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July 30, 2009

I’m fat. Really fat. And I know I joke about being fat a lot, but I’m seriously in one of the fattest stages I’ve ever been in. The last time I was this fat, my hairstylist, a friendly Mexican man named Jose, looked at me with disgust and said, “Ugh, Teve, you look horrible. I’ve never teen you look so bad…” Harsh words, but if your hairstylist can’t be honest with you, who can?

I don’t even want to weigh myself right now, I’m so afraid of how much I weigh. I’m sure it’s easily over 200 pounds – and I can tell because my “fat shirts” are getting too tight. And just in case you’re confused, “fat shirts” are a collection of larger shirts that I wear whenever my regular sized shirts become too tight. Usually, the onset of “fat shirts” is a warning sign that it’s time to lose weight, but I don’t know if I can do it this time.

My girlfriend loves me so much, she doesn’t care how fat I get. And now that I think about it, I’m not even sure it’s so much love as it is the fact that she works for the Biggest Loser and she has no perspective for regular fat people anymore.

She’s so used to working with those bed-ridden 700 pound fat guys, that anyone under 400 pounds just looks chubby. It’s almost like being extremely ugly and dating a blind woman. Anyway, since I’m going to try and lose weight again, I thought I’d share my fast and easy Hollywood diet plan.

I’ve discovered a little secret that I want to share with all you – If you eat food and then force yourself to throw it up afterwards, it doesn’t count. It’s like you didn’t eat anything at all – but yet you still get the satisfaction of tasting the food – twice! Once when it’s going down and then again when it’s coming back up! Isn’t that amazing?? I can’t believe no one’s thought of this before me! So this is what you do:

- BREAKFAST: eat whatever you want and then force yourself to puke.

- LUNCH: eat whatever you want and then force yourself to puke.

- DINNER: try to eat something sensible like a salad or piece of fish. Then puke.

If you follow my plan for a month and puke after every meal, I guarantee you will lose at least 25 – 30 pounds. And it works for fat kids, too!

I’ll be seeing see you at the beach!