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May 30, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Despite being abducted, set on fire then shot over the weekend, a Detroit woman has given birth to a healthy baby boy. Making her the first new mom to be non-sarcastically asked by men, "So you want a medal or something?"

About 400 ideas were submitted after NASA called for new ways to explore Mars. And only 120 of them involved the phrase "explore deez nutz."

Newly discovered 40,000-year-old bone flutes have been designated the world's oldest musical instruments. Not to mention the world's oldest penis euphemism.

"Jersey Shore" star the Situation says he's a new person since coming out of rehab for alcohol abuse. For example, now he's a douchebag who smokes.

A ban on "Fifty Shades of Grey" in Florida public libraries has been overturned. The judge finalized the decision by slamming his gavel and asking his desk if it liked that.

In Pakistan, two suicide bombers died when their vehicle exploded prematurely. "This is the first time this has ever happened to us," they told their 72 virgins.

On Tuesday, Mitt Romney met with Sheldon Adelson, a casino tycoon who once backed Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign and thinks Barack Obama was born in Kenya. Not to mention there's that whole "being named Sheldon" thing.

Kim Kardashian is accusing British Airways of stealing items out of her checked luggage. One item in particular was a notebook containing her latest cold fusion equation.

The founder of TMZ passed away. As per his wishes, he will be strapped onto Brad Pitt like a backpack.

Scientists in California have found bluefin tuna containing high levels of radiation due to Japan's nuclear crisis. The fish are still safe to eat, with scientists ranking it far below Godzilla meat in terms of danger.