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September 19, 2012

With no one else to turn to, sixtieth-grader and former President of the Massachusetts club Mitt decides to ask "Abby" for help sorting out his Obama-rama-drama.


Dear Abby, 
My name is Willard, I am a 65-year-old boy, but all of my friends and sons and servants like to call me "Mitt". This week has been, if you'll pardon my French, a real "bummer". Everyone in the MEAN-stream media is laughing at me and it seems like all of a sudden I have no friends. Even Republicans who used to, I can only assume, laud constant praise on me behind my back, aren't even talking to me anymore. Bill Kristol, who I thought was my golfing buddy, said I was "stupid" and "arrogant", which isn't even true and I just feel hurt that he had to use TWO adjectives. Reagan's old speechwriter Peggy Noonan said she thought I was "incompetent". That's like giving me the opposite of a compliment! A bunch of Republicans have said in the press they are really worried that if the Republicans lose they will have to give up their seats in Congress to Obama. And somehow they're all saying it's my fault! I really don't understand how this works. I will have to get Clint to explain musical chairs to me again. 
This is all stupid Jimmy Carter IV's fault. He let that stupid video get out, he thinks he's soooo special just because his grandpa was President. This is so unfair! I didn't say that I hated all people, I just implied that anyone who plans on voting for Obama is kinda lazy and is probably on welfare, which is true, you should have to vote for a new person every couple years, especially if the President is doing a bad job, and they probably are on welfare if they weren't at that $50,000-a-plate dinner where I said that.
 I'd be okay with the 47 % being mad at me and not wanting to talk to me if I could just have the other 53 % back as a friend. Why is everyone 100 % mad at me? Doesn't even make sense. Why don't my friends get this is a hard time for me too? I had to borrow $20 million recently just to buy enough buttons for my campaign, and now nobody will even wear them. 
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates, you get to eat at least half of it. So where's my 53% of the coconut cream I'm entitled to? Even my best friend Paul has been acting weird, ever since he walked past the microwave and his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he froze for three minutes. What's a Mitt to do?
Dear Mitt, 
I know the stress of running a strenuous presidential campaign that may come November be entirely devoid of point might be getting to you. But you are a grown-ass man. Did you never stop to think that alienating nearly half of the country in a smug, self-serving speech was going to have a wee bit of repercussion? 
Dear Abby,
Please don't use the word "alienate" in front of me. I find it offensive on a personal level because - oh, yeesh, just narrowly avoided another "gaffe" there. Ha, ha, but no really, all I am saying is, why is it so easy for a Mexican, or for that matter a Kenyan, to get a job here, and we still have incredibly strict immigration laws in regards to those from Romulus? Immigration reform will be a priority of the Romulan administration, you mark my words. 
Uncle Rom
Dear Mitt, 
That wasn't even a question. You are supposed to ask a question. "Dear Abby" is a column devoted to helping those without a guiding light find their way, not a column for billionaire entrepreneurs to rant in an overly ambitious to the point of fantasy-like way. 
Dear Abby, 
Oh, like on the "Jeopardy!" program. I have to admit, I am not a fan. Why, you probably ask? Um, government handouts much? It's literally a program devoted to handing out money to people just for knowing things. I'm assuming they don't claim that money either. You're gonna stand by and watch while Alex Trebek and Obama just let this happen? And those 66 % of the people that don't win the game, just stand there and smile and clap? I think that they might actually like being victims. 
I once read on a coffee mug that "The only thing inevitable in life are death and taxes." So if somebody isn't paying taxes, maybe they are dead. If they are un-paying not un-taxes, that could mean they are UN-dead too. Maybe 47% of the population are vampires, is all I am saying. Really, I think I am doing a service by pointing this out. 
Mitt Hits the Fan, 
You may be right about President Obama having a built-in "fan club", but isn't the country already divisive by nature? Democrats and Republicans? And isn't the whole point of campaigning to garner support for YOU and to convince people to see it from your perspective? Shouldn't you focus some of your effort onto winning over undecided voters, as opposed to openly giving up on a large percentage of country? 
Dear Abby, 
I get what you're saying and I thank you for the overwhelming love and support. Nobody told me that being a nominated candidate would be so hard.  I just don't think you should bully people for something they said in a video. Now I know how the "Space Wars" kid feels. You should only bully people with haircuts for their being gay. Will I ever fit in again like a straight white male "Space Wars" fan should? Abby, help? 
Mitt Romney, P.I. 
I am a U.S. Postal employee. There is no "Abby". Well, there is, but if you want to actually get in touch with her, you have to actually write a letter, and address the envelope to her. And puts stamps on it. You have to stop just putting your handwritten scrolls into a Ziploc bag and leaving them in mailboxes. But I doubt she has time for your nonsense anyway. 
 I've just been humoring you because I was personally upset and affected by your comments, and decided to take the high road here as opposed to the many who are planning a crueler, cruder prank for your doorstep. Hint. If you like "firing" people so much, do you like stomping them out? I am not "Abby". Yes, sometimes I dress up as a women, but that is neither here nor there. 
Hi Big D, 
Did not know that, I fired my mailman. It was pretty cool to have a personal mailman for a while, but he just wasn't fit for the job. Okay, do you have a email or fax line? Could really use someone to talk at. 
If I was your manager, I'd fire you right now. Like right now. Go sit on a pole. 
P.S. Speaking of polls, hope I can "count" on your vote this November! Because numbers, the "hot button" of the day, get it? You a 47 or a 53? Time to choose. 
Your "Compadre" Romney.