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March 03, 2011

Names to ensure your child will not conform to the man.

So you had a baby and you want to make sure he/she never conforms to the man? Congratulations! But what to name this fringe baby????? Here are some suggestions. 

Screen shot 2011-03-03 at 5.35.09 PM.png1. Batman 
The only risk with naming your child Batman is that there is no doubt that it will be the John or Lauren or his/her generation. There will be SO MANY Batmans in their school. 

2. Name 
Oh the irony.

3. The Name of the Adult Kickball Exhibition Team You Were On When You Conceived Your Child
This way you will forever remember the time in your life when you simultaneously put off adulthood while also bringing new life into the world.

4. Tom
Might sound normal, but it will actually be a reference to the charitable shoes. Hipsters love donating money if it also allows them to purchase shoes that, despite providing no comfort or support, let the world know you care about developing nations. Not our country, mind you. Fuck them. 

5. Pamela Beth
This way her initials will be PBR. (Also requires you to legally change your last name to anything starting with R.) 

6. Danger (as a Middle Name)
Though runs a similar risk as "Batman." 

7. Duritz
After Adam Duritz. Yes, this may seem counter-intuitive since it screams mainstream.  BUT, you can tell people one of two things: 

1. It's ironic.
2. It's actually a reference to his band The Himalayans, which Adam Duritz fronted prior to forming the Counting Crows. You've probably never heard of them.

8. No Name
Your child can spend his/her entire life saying, "I choose not to label myself."

9. DreamCast
Nintendo is obviously the nostalgic gaming console of our youth. But that's exactly why you should shy from it. Go with Dreamcast. Not only will it stir up memories of Sega's failed foray into 64-bit gaming, but will allow your offspring to opportunity to grow into the rare hipster/hippie hybrid. 

10. Blume
You'll be tempted to name your child Eggers, Faulkner, or Maurice Sendak. But name him/her after your actual favorite author: Judy Blume. 

11. Leopold
There's no better way of ensuring that your child will follow in your nonconformist footsteps than giving him a name that will make people want to slap him in the face.  See also: Asher, Rufus, Atticus, Olive, Romona, Matilda. Then slap them all in the face. 

Great, so we're all set, right? Just keep in mind that these children will not care what you name them so just remember to have fun.