1) Alicia’s Basement Party
Damn, Alicia. This party sucks. Also, do you want a damp towel. You’ve got some shit on your face. I know what will get things started! Hand out some bottles of the ooze from Ninja Turtles 2.
Perfect. Hey, what’s that guy doing? Over there in the shadows?
OH MY GOD, EW! GROSS, DUDE! Can you please put your tummy bite away? Also we’re running out of air, so everybody PLEASE STOP FARTING IMMEDIATELY. This party. This party is not a very good party.
2) It’s About Time Nick Addresses The Fact That All Of This Mess Is Troy’s Fault
Troy, a known awful person, really needs to stop burying his brother for five seconds and listen to Nick here. Mainly the part about how everything is his fault and he sucks. But maybe Nick needs to listen to Troy because apparently Troy has superhuman fucking healing abilities. Like, wasn’t he JUST missing an eye and a hand? Troy’s magic blood might be the secret to stopping this outbreak. Better cut him open and add him to the coffee just to be sure.
3) Everyone In The Basement Bunch Is Suddenly An Air Scientist With A PhD In Oxygen
Cool, I guess everyone down there went to Air College to earn a masters degree in Breathonomics because they seem to know exactly to the second how much oxygen they have left. Or maybe they’re just full of shit? Here’s a tip on being full of shit as someone who is regularly full of shit. Just act like you know what you’re talking about, flip some papers back and forth, lots of eye contact, and use specifics you’d have no way of knowing. Works every time.
4) Alicia’s Impassioned Speech About Murdering Everyone
Nothing about Alicia’s appearance is inspiring confidence here. She looks like she just won third place in a Sarah Connor lookalike contest then went on a slip-n-slide at the La Brea Tar Pits. That joke has a lot of specifics, but I feel pretty good about it. Let’s hear what she has to say.
“Guys. Here’s what we know. We don’t know everything, but we know some of us are majorly boned. I mean, in the grand scheme of things we are all destined to be boned. But some of us are slated to be boned sooner than others, so will all those with tummy bites please step forward so I can kill you where you stand. Thank you for your time, nobody panic.” Great speech, Alicia. You’ve got Upper Walking Dead Speech Writer Management written all over you. Also do you want, like, another towel? You’ve got a lot of shit all over your face and neck and body and like why are you getting dirtier by the minute?
5) Nick & Troy Decide The Only Option Is To Blow Up Some Of The Last Remaining Fuel On Earth
Nick. Come on, man. There are definitely other options. Maybe hop on an option dating app for a hot minute. Date some very shitty options where you don’t see any real future then circle back and see if this awful option still feels like the one you want to lock down permanently.
6) How Does Anyone Need Any Convincing To Do Morphine?
It’s supposed to be like watching the second Back To The Future movie for the first time forever? Sheeeeit, I’ll get stabbed in the brain, too. That flesh computer has caused me nothing but misery. Where do I sign up?!?
Hmm, this morphine party is actually kind of awkward. It’s always less fun than it looks on the flyer! Alright, nothing left to do but do the damn thing. Juice him up and get to stabbing, Alicia!
Alicia plays it cool after stabbing this guy’s brain by running past all the other people she has to stab and assuming the “Yyyooomyygawwwd I’m gonna throw up” stance.
Well, that’s probably the best basement murder pep talk I’ve heard all day. Top five, easy.
7) The Lost Action Heroes
Troy’s plan to crash directly into zombies and anything else he could find to crash into while cackling like a 10-year-old who googled “big boobs” for the first time did not work. Shocker. Quick, to the helicopter!
Great! Now we have a new place to cackle that’s surrounded by certain death. Perfect trade.
8) Time To Vent
I don’t know about you guys, but when I’m stuck in a metaphorical air vent I like to just kind of spaz out and punch stuff. It really solves my problems! So the fact that this is the course of action he’s taking in a literal vent checks out. I fucking get it. I like when TV show characters are REAL and act LIKE ME. Now if one of these guys could just drink four beers alone in the dark while they watch this show then we’d be in the zone.
9) Did Alicia Rub Dirt On Her Face Mid-Conversation With This Old Lady
I could SWEAR her face wasn’t as dirty at the beginning of the convo. Is this a thing in the zombie apocalypse? The dirtier you are, the more respect you get. Hah. Then my ex-wife could be mayor!!! Just kidding. I would never denigrate Susan’s reputation like that.
10) Fancy Oatmeal Is My New Favorite Character
We all remember Fancy Rice from earlier this season. Or do we? Because now the ONLY fan favorite from the comics I can think about is Fancy Oatmeal. Fancy Oatmeal is bold and compelling and dynamic and most importantly fancier than a tuxedo that costs a lot of money. Doesn’t get much fancier than that! How much fancy shit do these guys have in the zombie apocalypse? I’m a free man living in the not zombie apocalypse and I don’t even have fancy ketchup. Got some plain ass ketchup in my fridge, how are these guys living so large?
AHHH! STAB THIS CHICK! Phew. Close one. Guess we’re in the clear!
AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! NOW THEY’RE ALL STANDING UP IN THE BACKGROUND! THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE I BARELY KNOW WHO WANT TO INTERACT WITH ME AND THE SNACKS SUCK OH GOD KILL ME NOW!!!!!!
11) Alicia’s Going For A New High Murder Score
Alicia is going for a new high score! Which is fun but also scary. SLOW DOWN, ALICIA YOU ARE SCARING ME!
Madison out of nowhere! And Nick? And I think I heard Taqa’s voice? Maybe? I’ll be honest, I don’t really understand how the fuck they all linked up like this. I really don’t. But maybe I should focus less on the logic of it all and more on the fact that Alicia is completely gross right now.
Just nasty. Ew. She could rub dirt on her face at this point and it would somehow make her cleaner.
12) Bye, Alicia
Alicia, I don’t know how to tell you this but life is going to be a whole lot harder than dating some Bozo who sucks named Jake. Basically everything else will be harder than this rapid weight loss diet that just helped you drop 165 pounds you definitely didn’t need. Glad she’s handling this like an adult by ditching her family to go to a shitty cabin. They grow up so fast!
13) Why Did Nick Cover For Troy?
Ughhhh. I hate this! Nick had a great opportunity to let everyone know Troy sucks, but he didn’t, so now Troy is almost certainly going to do some more dumb shit that gets more people killed. Imagine you had a friend named Jeff who EVERY SINGLE TIME you hung out would get blackout drunk, try to start a fight, and then start listening to The Eagles Greatest Hits way too loud. Eventually you’d have to reconsider hanging out with Jeff! Troy is Jeff in this scenario, by the way. Also any volume higher than zero is way too loud for The Eagles Greatest Hits.
14) Ofelia Precariously Sitting On The Back Of That Vehicle Does Not Seem Like The Smartest Place To Sit
I’m pretty sure there were available seats in several of the cars we just saw. Don’t think you need to hang one booty cheek off the bumper like this, Ofelia! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! How will Daniel take the news that Ofelia died falling off a moving car? Probably fine! That dude deals with stress like a champion, I bet he’ll barely torture anyone. Will Taqa mourn the loss of literally every single person he ever knew and loved? He, uh, seemed pretty broken up about it. I think he even sneezed! Maybe it was just a cough. Ugh. I HATE IT when I say “bless you” when someone coughs. Truly me at my darkest hour. Will Nick finally rub some blood all over his face? He can’t let Alicia be the dirty child in the family. He simply cannot. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S03E14 of Fear The Walking Dead!