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May 05, 2016

The worst of all typefaces is what this man chose for his store awning. Like, does he not know any better?

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Michael Romano is the first-born son of immigrants. Like his parents, he also sought to capture the American dream, and opened Mike’s Bikes in 2002. What started out as a small bicycle repair service run from Mike’s garage has blossomed into a small business with three full-time employees.

Everything about this story should make you feel great, except that, like a dumb idiot, Mike used Comic Sans for his storefront awning. What kind of jerk, at this point in 2016, doesn’t realize that Comic Sans is universally regarded as the worst of all the typefaces? Has Mike been living under a freakin’ rock? It’s so stupid! It makes his store look dumb, and it makes Mike look even worse. Am I supposed to trust my bicycle with a man who willingly, on his own, chose Comic Sans to represent himself and his brand to consumers? He’d probably fix my bike all stupid too. He must be stupid, why would his skills as a mechanic be any less stupid? To ever even consider purchasing a bike from a salesperson with what are obviously Mike’s opinions on quality would be nothing short of ridiculous! He must think that bad things are good. I don’t want that. I want good things. His credibility is absolutely destroyed by this sign. I just can’t believe it! Look at the sign! Comic Sans is terrible!

Mike’s sign may reveal an even darker truth about the man himself. What if Comic Sans wasn’t selected out of ignorance, but maliciously chosen to bring discomfort and uneasiness to all who pass it by? What if Mike, for reasons undiagnosed, wants other people to feel bad? While maybe a stretch in how we would normally asses the intentions of a fellow human being, this writer sees no reason not to include Michael Romano on a short list of psychopathic monsters such as Charles Manson and Adolf Hitler.

Whatever the reasons, Mike’s Bikes is home to one of the worst store signs in the entire world thanks to the worst typeface in the entire world. I honestly thought we were past this. I really did. Maybe there was a time, probably before I was even born, when Comic Sans was new and cool. That time has long since passed, and it is time for those who still are to stop living in the past. Comic Sans is a disgusting, outdated relic, and needs to be completely eliminated from our society once and for all.

UPDATE: As a reader pointed out, the store hours don’t even have an AM or PM on his sign, either. How am I supposed to know Mike’s Bikes isn’t an all-night bicycle store with weird hours? Get it together, dude. Avoid this mess. I will exclusively be taking my business to Wheeler’s down on 19th, and would encourage all others to do the same.