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April 25, 2012

My synopsis as to what a day of mass is like in the Church Of Satan.

Speaking of religion, the other day I was so bored that I looked up stuff about the church of Satan and the satanic bible and came to a conclusion. The satanic bible is not at all what anyone would expect considering the title. Wikipedia had a brief description of all the chapters in the bible and they are all about loving, respecting, and honoring each other for our differences no matter what and trying to get along with everyone in society. So let me ask you, would you have guessed something like that would have come from the "Satanic Bible"? This just makes me want to attend a mass for the church of Satan out of curiosity now. I bet this is how it will go......

The highest priest will do whatever he does and preach whatever he preaches along with us saying "Hail Satan" during certain sections that we should insert that line. We would all go up and drink kool-aid representing the blood of the fallen one but are told these are his tears because he cried so hard when god threw him out for making some minor suggestions. We would then sing songs with titles such as "Satan's Got Your Back Especially When Your Down On Life", "Satan Always The Trickster", and the most popular hit "Satan Why You Always Creeping Around In The Dark".

The priest would then bless us with his magical wand filled with spit all while I couldn't help notice they have Jesus on the cross upside down. I guess someone didn't tell him he put it up wrong, if only he had one of those laser pointers to put it up correctly that you can buy at Sears.

Anyways, after all that we would gather around and talk about the last episode of Grey's Anatomy as we would eat food provided by the “He smiles, he grins, satans not such a bad guy” youth foundation. I wonder where they found those lost souls.

After a while I noticed everyone keeps checking their watches. Eventually, when the moon is just right and the cows moan while pissing to the left, we know it’s a sign to proceed to go underground into a room lit with dominoes shaped into a pentagram and he says to me with inspiring words “Don’t bump them”. We gather around as a copy of Idiots guide to Satan worshiping is passed out. We then chant (Vanilla Ice's: Ice Ice Baby) as we play duck duck goose. Then whoever is the goose must get into the middle of the domino shaped pentagram and pray to the poster of David Hasselhoff. After that is done, then we all head out to the Cold Stone Creamery to get some ice cream.

You see the, Church of Satan is a fun loving culture that means no harm to anyone. Its tabooed by demons and goblins and the fiery pits of hell. When it comes down to it, all they want to do is just love one another and get ice cream.

SK Comedian