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March 30, 2012




I don't even know why I'm writing this for the pleasure of you cretins and philistines out there because I am about to be counted among the super, mega, unreasonably wealthy. It is a fact that I will win $640 million tonight and another fact on top of that fact is that I am going to rub it in all of your jealous faces. Strike that. It won't even be necessary to make ya'll jealous because the second I get my ca$h, I'm probably, no definitely going to forget all of your names. While all of you are busy living your pathetic lives; changing your mediocre kids' diapers, watching your wife let herself go after she births said kids, the milky white, plumpy flesh of her love handles slowly but surely making an elegant, fleshy spill over the side of her once curve hugging jeans, thus rendering her totally gross and unbangable, counting the seconds until you die and your miserable life is over, I'm going to sailing on a yacht with P. Diddy gobbling down succulent oysters and sippin' on champagne from the 1800's. I'm going to be violating coked up super-models and getting all sorts of people deported... JUST BECAUSE I CAN. I'm gon' be punchin' old ladies in they face n' bustin' up peoples mailboxes cause I'll be a fucking millionaire. I'll be untouchable. It's gunna be awesome, and none of you will ever know what it's like. My life is about to change, welcome to hell... my hell.

On that note. Here is a list of 5 of the coolest things I'm going to do with MY money.

1. Acquire myself a stable of bitches.

Every pimp ass nigga out there needs hisself a gaggle of fine hunniez to show the world what a fucking BOSS he is. I'm going to scour the earth for all sorts exotic trim. I want an army of taint by my side ready to deliver me HJ's and pleasurings with the snap of a finger... MY FINGER. Asians, Blacks, Jews, Mexicos, Middle Easterns, Whites, Crippleds... I'll have them all. I'll be the Professor Slughorn of collecting clam, (Professor Slughorn was a Hogwarts professor who "collected" exceptional students, such as Harry Potter. In his mind, if he surrounded himself with greatness, he would somehow be great) 'cept instead of surrounding myself with good students, I'll be swimming in fine AZZ pussy. I'll be the Minister of Muff, the Captain of Clit, the Regent of Raw-Dog. That'll be the lyfe!

2. Get like 200 of them Doritos Locos Tacos

I ain't gonna lie, those shits look wildly delicious. I'm going to stuff my rich face with those motherfuckers until my intestines bust at the seams. I'm going to be squirtin' out nacho cheese shells and Mexican-Inspired meat for like 2 weeks or somefin', and love every second of it. The lining of my stomach slowly deterioaring in a swashy, meaty, acidic mess, until theres nothing left of my innards but a chalky residue, barely holding my guts together, IT'LL BE GREAT! And you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm going to get a boatload of baja sauce on the side, because baja sauce is absolutely INSANE, and only a classy ass rich pimp like ME would know something like that.

3. Invent a crazy new drug!

Let's face it. People love getting fucked up and people love spending a lot of money getting fucked up. Who better to exploit that than me!?!? I'll just wrangle up a hot stack of cash and hire some science-nerds to use their gay smart powers and make me a sweet, highly dangerous and addictive drug! It'll be mayhem! I'll throw all sorts of shit in there... acid, crack, bleach, sour patch kids, bacon bits... people will go ape-shit for it, and I'll go from crazy rich to pimp ass gangsta rich in a flash! EVERYBODY WINS!


Instead of science nerds, I'll need some fuckin' space nerds this time around. This, will by far be my most ambitious and magnificent project. I will be bathed in a glory only reserved for kings and knightly heroes. I'll have to hire countless teams of engineers and scientists from all around the world to piece my baby together, but it'll get done... and then, I'll be livin' on easy street! Flying around the galaxy in my highly modified YT-1300 light freighter CRUISING FOR ALIEN PUSSY! Who could ask for a better life!? Speeding through the Universe smuggling space drugs and making the Kessel Run (OBVIOUSLY) in 12 Parsecs,!?!? Blasting away weird monsters and poundin' back Corellian Spiced Ales with Chewie??? Count me the dick in!


5. Have a really nice little Sunday with an old friend

As a society, increasingly distracted by social media , realty television, and horrifyingly terrible music, we've seriously been neglecting the important relationships we once held the dearest. I have a lot of people I hold close to my heart and I'd just like to show one person that I really appreciate them. Maybe take a stroll through an apple orchard while sharing a fond memory, or we can take a drive up to a seaside town  and have lunch on the water; the soothing sounds of the ocean warming our hearts, the salty air and call of the gulls really allowing us to stop, for just a moment, and take some simplicity out of a complex life, stare into your friends' eyes and  then cock-slap your stupid, pussy ass friend for even agreeing to something like that, I mean what kind of 'mo would think it's okay for two guys to hang out in an apple orchard, I  would never talk to that friend again.. I'm a millionaire and they clearly have a giant blue dildo shoved up their pee-hole.

Aight, yo, I best be off. I've got speed boats to purchase and bridges to burn...If you've learned anything from this, it's to start sucking up to me now, cause I'm about to inherit a fuck-ton of rock (cash not crack) and I'm going to start making a list of potential A-list friends now! L8er!