The following transcript is from the September 26th, 2016, Smart Phone Debate.
CHESTER BOLT: Good evening, America, It’s 2016 and it’s that time of year to update your smartphone to the latest and greatest. America has chosen and the top candidates for your smartphone choices, they are the iPhone 7 and the Samsung Galaxy S7. Tonight they will debate to win you’re their home in your pockets as the next piece of technology to occupy unnecessary amounts of your free time. Will the candidates please introduce themselves to the audience? Let’s start with you iPhone 7.
IPHONE 7: Thank you, Chester. As you all know, I am the iPhone 7. I have been providing America with the high standard of smartphones since 2007. My purpose today is to show you why I am the best fit for your pocket and your wallet. Americans need style, functionality, technology, progress, and consistency in their smartphone. I am the smartphone for the job.
BOLT: Thank you iPhone 7. Samsung Galaxy S7, you have the floor.
SAMSUNG GALAXY S7: Yes, thank you, Chester. I would like to start off by saying; I’m a great phone, the best out there. I’m much better than the iPhone 7. I will be the best phone you’ve ever had. I’m going to make smart phones great again. The iPhone’s continue to give us promises of all these new features but is basically the same as the past ones. IPhone 7 is a capitalist scam that purposely slows its older models to make you keep buying their new ones. Why are the older iPhones so slow now? Where are the user’s emails, iPhone 7?
BOLT: Those were quite some heavy accusations, Samsung. What do you have to say about this iPhone?
IPHONE: Chester, my emails have nothing to do with this. I’m so sick of being harassed about my emails. My users set their preferences to delete their old emails automatically after a year. To address the accusations that I am a scam and out to get their money that is just preposterous. I have continued to bring a high level of innovation with features that bring us forward. The older iPhones are slower because their systems are out of date. That is the user’s fault.
SAMSUNG: Lies. All lies. You’re lying. Crooked iPhone.
BOLT: Okay, okay, let’s move on. This question is for the both of you. Please explain your new features and why they benefit the users. Samsung, let’s start with you.
SAMSUNG: First off, I’ve got a larger display than the iPhone. It’s the biggest on the market. It’s yuge. It’s unlike anything you’ve ever seen.
IPHONE: Yours is 0.4 inches larger than mine… That’s really nothing to brag about. America, it’s honestly concerning Samsung’s obsession with size…
SAMSUNG: I don’t have an obsession with size! My size is perfect. Just ask my users. My question is why is it you don’t have a headphone port!? Why is that? Smart phones have historically always had headphone ports. You aren’t fit to be a smartphone if you don’t have a headphone port!
BOLT: It is true iPhone. You are the first smartphone in history to not have a headphone port. What will this mean for the future of your users?
IPHONE: Chester, I would like to think I am breaking barriers. Not just for port-less smartphones now, but for future little port-less smartphones everywhere. As a port-less smartphone, I believe I have not been equally represented in the public and I am taking this chance to be a warrior for equality. Unlike my opponent, who carries on the tradition of discrimination of smartphones without ports. Samsung is actually backed by the APSO (anti-portless smartphones organization.)
BOLT: What do you have to say about that, Samsung.
SAMSUNG: I’ve never heard of these people. Honestly, I think iPhone is making that organization up. Just like iPhone makes up everything else. You’re a liar and you’re taking jobs away from Americans! We all know you’re made in China.
IPHONE: I was assem….
SAMSUNG: (interrupting) MADE IN CHINA!!!
BOLT: What do you have to say about this, iPhone?
IPHONE: It is true that I am assembled in China but the technology behind me is 100% American made. We live in a global world. We are only 5% of the world and it is in our best interest to continue to be globally involved with the rest of the 95%. Coming together makes us stronger.
IPHONE: You’re made in Korea, Samsung!
SAMSUNG: The Koreans are good people. They aren’t a problem for America. Our problems are Mexico, China, and the Muslims. They are all sending their engineers and they are single handily taking our jobs. They are horrible people, very anti-American. They all cheered during Y2K! Ask anyone living in New Jersey in 2000.
IPHONE: It is that kind of hate speech that is putting our country in danger. We must welcome the contributions of our international friends, not demonize them. In fact, aren’t you the one that required a recall because you kept blowing up when charged? That puts Americans in danger!
SAMSUNG: I DO NOT BLOW UP! I’m very stable! I’m safe, the safest! I’m safer than any phone ever to be on the market! Your battery life is horrible, that’s what is concerning. I have the best battery life. There’s no competition.
BOLT: It has been a concern amongst the public that your battery life has come into question, iPhone. What do you have to say about that?
IPHONE: I can assure you and the public that my battery life is excellent. I…
SAMSUNG: (interrupting) Frankly, these are lies. You lack stamina, iPhone. You’ve proven that to us in the past. I am the longest lasting smartphone ever. I can go all day. Just ask my head engineer. He says I’m the best. I’ll literally last forever.
IPHONE: The only thing your head engineer is good for, is making something so incompetent look appealing to the deplorables that buy you!
BOLT: Hey! HEY! SHUT UP! (CROSSYELLING in the background) Well, I think we have heard enough from our candidates this evening. Remember folks; you can find the next smartphone you’ll only have for two years, or so, in a store near you. Goodnight, America.
*This article was not written to support any candidate or company. This article was written as a satirical article commentating on the current political cluster fuck that is the American 2016 Presidential Election. God help us all.