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November 03, 2015
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The West Coast is the best coast, because it's the only coast you've never been trapped in a cult bunker before. Help :)

So, you’re making the big move! You’ve packed your suitcase from your family home and/or underground cult bunker in Albany, and you’re ready to pursue your dreams and/or your cult leader Mr. Daniel’s worst nightmare and start over in sunny Los Angeles!

Well, baby and/or buddy and/or my former cult bunkmate Timothy, you don’t know nothing. Here are some lesser known facts about making the move from one coast’s biggest transient hub to the other.

1) It’s hotter. Or not! Like the East Coast, LA is home to a variety of temperatures, including “hot” and “not as hot.” Just like the East, there are some times of year that are scorching, some that aren’t, and some places where cults are started right beneath the nose of local authorities.

2) Step up your glamour game. Remember the craggy-faced New York adults that shaped your youth? Burn them at the stake, because Los Angeles is home to some of the best-looking people this side of public transit. In New York, people tend to be a little less superficial and hey, they might even wear a burlap sack on their head all the time like Mr. Daniel, praise the Lizard God, does, but LA? Leave your burlap at the door, honey.

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Good!

3) The cuisine is unmatched, and you can eat it whenever you want. Southern California is famous for its Mexican cuisine, which you can - get this - eat any time of day that you want, with no risk of a man with a burlap sack on his head screaming that you and Timothy have exceeded your rations. Just imagine! Food, from a place other than the spud garden in your front lawn, at any time of day. Wow!

4) Cars pass on both sides of the street. Every East Coaster knows the rules of the road - if your cult leader is driving down the street in his Honda Civic in an angry tear even though he’s legally blind while shouting profanities and praising the Lizard God, it is state law that you must let him run over your legs while you slurp a cup of his homemade snake broth. In Los Angeles, there are…cars on both sides of the street! Wow.

5) The air is different. While many Angelinos warn newcomers about the air quality, the environment can be more accommodating than that of New York. The East Coast air is full of chemical-soaked ritual rags wielded by none other than Mr. Daniel so he can sneak out to the nearest convenience store for cigarettes without fearing his brood will abandon him in the night, but the air in LA is merely poisonous.

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Help!

6) Seriously, you can eat food whenever. No one is going to ask you about it. Where are you now, Mr. Daniel? Wanna say something about this churro I dared eat after 10PM? Well, I’ve got news for you - the authorities are gonna find you and they’re gonna wipe that forty-five toothed grin right off your face. Isn’t that right, Timothy? Timothy?

Okay, Timothy, I’ve placed the chemical-soaked ritual rag over Mr. Daniel’s mouth while he was reading the clickbait article. We have three minutes.

7) Transportation can be tough. Los Angeles is notorious for its traffic and okay Timothy, he’s unconscious. I pray to Lizard God this works. Timothy, just stick to the plan. Stop sweating. We can escape through the hatch Mr. Daniel climbs through every night to to smoke, okay? Okay, good. Here we go.

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Safe!

8) Don’t freak out. Open the hatch,Timothy, I need to keep the rag over Mr. Daniel’s face or he’ll - oh no, he’s waking up. Timothy, quick, and don’t slip on the - Timothy!!! Run, run as you have never run before! Meet me in Seattle, where the two of us will re-enact every episode of Frasier down to the smallest detail, just like we always dreamed! TIMOTHY, DON’T FORGET ME! Oh, hi, Mr. Daniel.

9) The West Coast is also know for its Mexican foo- No, Mr. Daniel, nothing to see here, you just fell asleep when you were reading the magic screen.

Timothy, he sees you. Mr. Daniel sees you. Do not move. He tracks by smell ever since I blinded him with that churro maker.

Don’t worry, Mr. Daniel, I think Timothy had a few too many dirt clods for dinner tonight. He fell right asleep. Here, let me read to you. (Timothy, leave.) Gorditas are just one of the many fine Mexican dishes that -

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Shrimp!

10) MR. DANIELS, PUT YOUR SHOTGUN DOWN! TIMOTHY, NO! NO! PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT I AM ONLY LEAVING YOU BEHIND AND CLIMBING THROUGH THIS HATCH SO THAT YOUR DEATH IS NOT IN VAIN!

Mr. Daniel, please don’t put the forks in the sockets where your fingers used to be. Please. Oh, Lizard God. Is there even a Lizard God? Mr. Daniel, n-

Enjoy your time in Los Angeles!

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