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Trevor at www.the-daily-news.co.uk

Stats & Data

June 29, 2012

Following this week's revelations that Barclays traders colluded with colleagues to fix the 'Libor' rates, The Daily News can today publish even more damning transcripts of corruption.

TRADER: Bad boy, I need things.

SUBMITTER: Locked and loaded, Supercheeks.

TRADER: We have another big fixing on Monday and with the market move I was hoping we could set certain Libors as high as possible.


KeithHarrisTRADER: Also, I want to see Keith Harris and Orville back on telly… Can you swing things for me?

SUBMITTER: Not sure, will investigate.


TRADER: Star. I also need the Judge Dredd annual 1980.


SUBMITTER: Hmmm. Hang on. [TALKS TO SOMEONE AT HIS END, INAUDIBLE]. We can definitely get you 1981 but 1980 would be tricky.

TRADER: What’s on the cover?

SUBMITTER: Judge Dredd is kind of bursting through the cover. It’s pretty neat.

TRADER: That’s absolutely fine. Something else I was wondering…


TRADER: Tomorrow being Saturday, I could really do with some ‘me’ time.

SUBMITTER: I could take your wife and kids to Legoland?

TRADER: That is uncanny…

SUBMITTER: Just what you were thinking? It’s done.

TRADER: Superstar. Also, do you know why it is that when you scoop a large handful of change out of your pocket, however careful you are you always drop at least one coin?

SUBMITTER: Hang on, let me just check… (ASKS SAME PERSON AS BEFORE; INAUDIBLE). Yup, apparently it’s because that although we can comfortably fill our palms with the coins, we never account for the uncontrollable element of the coins at the top of the pile and that’s why they slip off.

SUBMITTER: Brilliant. While you’re there: a man goes to the doctors, says: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear.” What does the doctor say?

SUBMITTER (CHECKS AGAIN). Yep, apparently he says: “Don’t worry, I’ve got some cream for that.”

TRADER: Great. That’s been keeping me awake for weeks. I’m asking a lot today, aren’t I?

SUBMITTER: Forget about it, mutton chops. What else?

ImagesTRADER: Now you mention, there is something else. I want to know why no-one talks about Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome any more?

SUBMITTER: It’s the kiddie characters they threw in. Adult moviegoers didn’t care. They wanted violent chases, as per Mad Max and Mad Max II. And the film was too adult for kids. Lose lose.

TRADER: Damnit, that makes sense. Nearly done now. Can you explain why I should try a macchiato?

SUBMITTER: It’s an espresso with a small amount of milk. So it’s not as brutal as an espresso but it doesn’t require the commitment of drinking a full cup of coffee. Try it, they rock. Frankly, if we weren’t on so much cocaine here we’d be drinking them all the time.

TRADER: Nice doing business with you [NAME DELETED]. Have a great weekend.

SUBMITTER: You, too, bushel britches.

TRADER: Oh, one last thing. You couldn’t re-shoot the ending of Turner and Hooch so the dog doesn’t die? My kid gets really upset.

SUBMITTER: Might take a few weeks but I’ll speak to some people.

TRADER: Awesome. Oh and you know what?

SUBMITTER: You want me to do the same for Marley and Me?

TRADER: Mind reader!