LOS ANGELES, California - July 25, 2016
Recent reports that Donald J. Trump cast his net far and wide before selecting Mike Pence as his running mate have not been exaggerated. FoD News spoke recently with Terry Crews, star of Brooklyn 99, The Expendables, and numerous other TV and movie projects.
“It was the weirdest phone call of Terry’s life.” said Crews. “Terry started looking around for Ashton right away, until Terry remembered that’s not a thing anymore. And please, don’t even get Terry started on that BET crap.”
In our interview with Mr. Crews, we captured the key points of his discussion with Mr. Trump.
[TC] Terry got a phone call at about 7:30am. The woman just says “Hello, Mr. Crews? Please hold for the next President of the United States”. Then 20 minutes of ‘Hail to the Chief’ hold music. Terry was groggy, and not sure what was going on. Terry even thought Terry might be dreaming. Then this crazy voice comes on the line and starts right in, yelling at Terry.
[DT] Hello, who is this? Oh right, Jerry! I loved you in the cop show with the funny Jewish guy - NYPD Blue, right? Also, I loved those Office Linebacker commercials. Great stuff. Funny stuff. The best stuff. That’s why I like you Jerry. You’re HUGE. And I’m huge. Let’s be huge together. You can help me with the blacks. I mean, the blacks love me, but they love you too, and that can’t hurt.
[TC] Then he starts listing off policy points. Terry tried to talk a couple times, but he just cut Terry off. He was all over the place and Terry doesn’t remember all the details, but this is what Terry managed to write down after the call:
[DT] Start with water. I love water, it’s great. But why is water so bad? It tastes terrible, it has no nutrients. Sad. You know what our water needs, Jerry? Electrolytes. We’re gonna have the most nutritious, most delicious, most energizing, classiest water in the world. Like our forefathers had, before the Mexicans ruined everything. I’m gonna privatize the EPA, and re-brand them as “Trump Water”. Yeah, I like that. Isn’t that amazing? I have the best ideas.
[DT] Three words Jerry - ‘Monday Night Rehabilitation’! I don’t know what these losers in charge are thinking - they’ve been trying to make money on prisons for years, but they ignore the huge opportunity that’s right in front of their stupid faces! Sad. I won Reality TV Jerry, you know that? I won! The sponsorship money we can pull from punishments and executions on TV is huge. Did you see The Running Man? Great movie. And don’t even get me started on product placement. I know Reality TV Jerry, and I will be the greatest, best, most successful, smartest, most amazing Reality TV president. You’ll get sick of how much we win this season.
[DT] Another huge idea to balance the budget - we bring back the brothels, and we tax them! It’s so simple, I don’t know why these stupid morons haven’t figured it out. Sad. You know who had brothels? Our forefathers. You know, before the Mexicans ruined everything. That’s what people don’t get Jerry, when I say I want to Make America Great Again - the 1800’s were great! And, corporate sponsorship! A Starbucks in every brothel, or better yet, a brothel in every Starbucks! I know hot women. They just want to do the work they were made for, Jerry. We’re going to Make American Women Work Again. I’m a really smart person Jerry. Everybody tells me that. I have the smartest thoughts. The best thoughts.
[TC] In between yelling at people in the background, he also mumbled something about “a ‘Grand Theft Auto GO’ game to help solve the immigrant rapists and the homeless”, “outsourcing police costs” and a program called “Citizen Enforcment”, but Terry didn’t catch all of it. Also, Terry kind of got the feeling he was sitting on the toilet the whole time. Terry started to reply, to say that his ideas all seem to be from one of Terry’s movies, but then he just said ‘I have to go Jerry, talk to my people’ and then hung up. Thankfully, they never called Terry back.
As of press time, there is no word on whether Mr. Trump plans to offer Mr. Crews a position in his cabinet, though rumours of a position as Minister of the Interior persist.
JULY 25 2016