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Published April 10, 2013 More Info »
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Published April 10, 2013

5 REASONS FOR BEAST-HOOD: Why Beast from Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast” shouldn’t change back.

Reason 1: YOU’RE LIVING THE DREAM

Why would you want to change back? You’re the next step in evolution – all the brains of a human, and the savage strength of a beast. You’re like Rambo with fur. Worst case scenario, you don’t get the girl, you can still join the X-Men.

Reason 2: YOU DON’T NEED A PRINCESS

I get it, you’re a beast and it gets lonely. But go to any bar and you’ll see you’re not the only hairy monster looking for love. Tale as old as time indeed: Beautiful woman, drinking with beast of a man who promises, for a kiss, to make her a princess. Little does he know ten years later, she becomes a witch, and the judge awards her his castle.

Reason 3: BEING A PRINCE ISN’T ALL IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE

As a beast you’re at the top of the food chain. Princes get their heads chopped off by angry peasants. Peasants get their heads chewed off by angry beasts. A prince never knows if a woman loves him for him, but when a woman gets with you, you know she loves her some beast.

Reason 4: BEASTS CAN GET LOVIN TOO

If you are worried that sticking with the beastly look is going to hurt your chances with the ladies, think again. First off you’re rich. That automatically erases most of your worst flaws. Money is like Photoshop for ugly people. Besides you’re a celebrity, so looks don’t matter. If Dog the Bounty Hunter and Rosie O’Donnell can get a girl, so can you.

Reason 5: DEEP DOWN YOU DON’T REALLY WANT TO CHANGE BACK

You and I both know you could have changed back a long time ago. When you think of all the things the evil sorceress could have turned you into, a beast is pretty low on the getting-a-kiss-from-a-woman difficulty scale. If I were her and wanted to make your life miserable, I would have cast a different spell. “Prince, you’ve done me wrong! Try to get a woman’s kiss now.” (Lightening shoots from my hands). Shazam, you’re Elton John’s penis.

In Conclusion

Remember, history hasn’t been kind to princes (unless they’ve learned to play guitar). Stay the beast, my friend.

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