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November 09, 2009
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Here are the fundamental rules for The Blues.

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up  this mornin'..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the  Blues, unless you
stick 
something nasty in the next line like, "I got  a good woman, with the
meanest 
face in town."

3. The Blues is  simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then 
find  something that rhymes - sort of:

"Got a good woman with the meanest  face in town. Yes, I got a good woman

with the meanest face in town.  Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she 
weigh 500 pound."

4. The  Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch  
... ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and  broken-down trucks. Blues
don't 
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport  Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation 
is a Greyhound bus or a  southbound train. Jet aircraft and
state-sponsored 
motor pools ain't  even in the runnin'. Walkin' plays a major part in the

Blues  lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues.  They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
sing 
the Blues. In Blues,  "adulthood" means being old enough to get the
electric 
chair
 if you  shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in big cities like New York , but not in Hawaii
or 
anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably
just 
clinical depression. Chicago,  St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and
N'awlins 
are still the best  places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues
in 
anyplace that don't get rain.

8. Breaking your leg because you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking
your 
leg because an alligator be chomping on it  is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The  lighting
is 
all wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b.  jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad  places for the Blues:
a. Starbucks
b. gallery openings
c.  Stanford
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if  you wear a suit, 'less you
happen 
to be an old person, and you slept  in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes,  if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in  Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your  teeth
b. you were once blind, but now can see
c. the man in Memphis  lived
d. you have a 401K, 403b, or trust fund

14. Blues is not a  matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods 
cannot sing  the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also
got a 
leg  up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the 
blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a.  cheap wine
b. bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The  following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c.  Snapple
d. Latte or espresso

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel  or a shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed 
in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the 
electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
You 
can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while
getting  
liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b.  Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumplin'

18. Some Blues names  for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little or Big Willie
d. Sam  Cooke

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Jessica, Jennifer,  Debbie, and
Heather 
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis . Add 
Tiffany to this.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b.  first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c.  last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For  example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi  
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not that last one.)

21. No matter how  tragic your life is: If you own a computer, you cannot

sing the Blues, period.


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