Dear Time Warner Cable,
On April 23rd I moved and had an appointment with Time Warner Cable to come and install cable, Internet and phone service and no one showed up. When I called, I was told my appointment was entered wrong and moved to May 4th, without anyone calling me. No big deal, why would a company check with someone to see if they are home on a Wednesday afternoon? Of course they are. Everyone is. Name one person who isn’t home on a Wednesday afternoon? You can’t. It’s impossible, because everyone is home. It would be a waste of resources to call and talk to him. Did Stalin ever call people before he arrested them and sent them to die in Siberian work camps? No! Why should Time Warner Cable have a policy that is any different from Stalin’s?
Did you know that on Yelp, Time Warner Cable has one and a half stars? That’s less stars than Jeffery Dahmer — who killed and ate people, maybe even had sex with their skulls (I don't really know). Obviously what I’m saying is untrue, because Yelp does not review serial killers, but if they did, his babaganoush would be better than yours, if you both made babaganoush, even if his drugged and murdered people. Sorry that got weird. F**k you. I just made you read that confusing thing.
To give you an idea of how much I dislike your company, I have come up with plagues I hope God smites your board of directors with. I know He’ll only do this if you enslave the Jews, but considering you might have a monopoly in NYC, you sort of already have:
1. Awkward. Every board member’s cell phone ring loudly announces their weight and also the day they’ll die.
2. Bathroom. The constant feeling that you have to go number two, but completely forgetting how.
3. Improv. Your first-born will want to be a short form improviser.
4. Popcorn. Your second born will smell like hot buttered popcorn. It’s not that bad at first, but eventually I bet it will be maddening.
Eugene Mirman and probably every one of your customers.
P.S. On May 4th I called you and got an automated message saying my appointment was moved to May 10th, but spoke to two representatives who assured me it was still on May 4th. Twenty minutes later, I got a call saying the technician called and couldn’t reach me and my new appointment would be on May 12th. An hour later I got a call apologizing and saying my appointment was moved to May 6th. Why does your company act like a controlling, abusive husband on an episode of Law and Order?
P.P.S. On May 6th a very nice, professional man came, rang my doorbell and installed everything. I would feel remiss to not mention that a handful of other employees were also very helpful. However, overall your company is run like an ill managed Soviet factory. I bet if Ayn Rand was still alive, she’d write a fun to read, but poorly argued book about how appalling and inefficient your company is. Please cut it out. Thank you.
This ran as a paid advertisement in the Greenpoint Gazette and NY Press.
- Amen. I have similar stories about Verizon. And Straight Talk. And Dell.
- Never had much issue with TWC in SC ... but thats funny regardless.
- If you don't have Time Warner, just insert your cable providers name in the same spot, and you will instantly relate. Cox I am looking at you.
- I have pretty much the same story compounded by 8 years of TW "service". Best one? "We cut your outside cable because the tech tagged it wrong." The week of Lost/Heroes season finale, first season of Heroes.
- if one more of my DVR events gets cut off when they announce the winner (American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Survivor) or whether the person lives or dies (Intervention, Half Ton Dad, The Ghost Whisperer) I just might jump out of the window
- National Grid is about to get a similar letter from yours truly. These companies have MONOPOLIES over their subscribers and we have no recourse.
- I'm very happy with Verizon FIOS, appointment was confirmed in advance & on time.
- I hate you TW!
- Screw you Charter lol
- Oh it's true. It's true
- of course this would be on funny or die , meh
- I live in comcast country....but I'm pretty sure that they're all the same. PS you're my new hero
- EUGENE.. YOU ARE MY NEW BEST FRIEND!!!!! TO FUNNY AND TRUE!!!!
- I've had the same problem with AT&T. Complete failure with their communication process. I wish I would have had the money put them on blast!!!!!!
- I've had similar dealings with Comcast for years, and especially in the past 2 days...
- Uverse here. I cant say I was dicked around as bad as you were.
- I've had TWC here in nebraska for over 6 years. My old house had poor wiring, and they got new lines ran and that fixed all issues there. I had 1 modem die, been using the one I have now for 4 years. It's always on. I haven't ever had any trouble with their appointments aside from the 4 hour window you seem to be given. They are pretty horrible about letting customers know if there will be downtime though.
- ATT U-verse...not too shabby. I recomend.
- i have time warner & i really hate that (please wait) when i switch channels. i hate it when m l baseball doesn't come on (which i pay extra for) i have had direct t.v. previously which is a lot better than time warner, do not believe t.w. commercials. there t.v. is always on.
- This is so funny, I had the very same problem with Time-Warner. Every time I called they had re-scheduled for no apparent reason!!! Kept telling me they were sending someone out, I even took time off of work and still had "no show"...I'm so glad you wrote this letter, it is hilarious.
- I like when they give you an appointment window. We will be there sometime between 8:00 AM - 3:00 PM. Well,that was frickin helpful thanks!
- This is great.