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May 19, 2017
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Dr. Seuss is your baseball coach

“Put a little pep in your step”

“Put a little hustle in your bustle”

“Keep your eye on the ball, Paul”

“Paul, keep your eye on the ball”

“Paul, watch the fucking ball”

“Paul, now you can surely see/

That you have disappointed me/

You’re shit. No ifs, or ands, or butts/

Except your gloots and massive gut/

I had to take you off the bench/

With bated breath, and butt cheeks clenched/

I watched you blow the game for us/

Find your own way home. Get the fuck off my bus/

Maybe ride a snergledygate/

It’s an elegant bird. That could support your great weight/

Or maybe ride a ziffledeedore/

It’s a lion that whispers “your mom’s the town whore”/

Which is true by the way. I know it first hand/

I banged her four times right there under the stands/

But WAIT! You should ride a something more like yourself/

Not a commonplace lizlaz or daggitysmelf/

Yes you should ride better. Unique. A rare find/

Perpetual sadness. The last of it’s kind/

Have you heard what they say? It’s the very last male?/

A thousand choice suitors but it just can’t pull tail/

Yes that is your creature. The one you’ll ride home/

When you’re left in the dust all afraid and alone/

I’m certain you’ll ride the last bubbledeegerjin/

Because just like you I’m sure he’ll die a Virgin/

And with that we’re all off. Me and the team/

You stay here Paul. We’re all getting ice cream!”

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