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September 11, 2014
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The NFL is really cracking down.

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  • Coaches may no longer rile up players by telling them to visualize opponents as their wives.
  • O.J. Simpson will be automatically suspended for two games should he ever choose to rejoin the league.
  • Remaining complacent in the physical assault of a woman will result in an immediate 10-yard penalty or first down for the opposing team.
  • Because the NFL can only rule in the presence of video, cheerleaders are now required to wear GoPros on their heads.
  • The NFL must ensure that players have no other life skills to fall back on if football doesn’t work out as incentive for them to be on their best behavior at all times.
  • Players found in violation will be banned from the NFL for life (unless their team’s in, like, the Super Bowl or something, cause that would be super sad for them to miss that.)
  • NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will personally monitor all Atlantic City elevators as he will soon be having plenty of free time on his hands.
  • Any player guilty of abuse must perform community service by visiting schools and teaching kids why the victim is often at fault as well.
  • Pants are now required for all players, coaches, and officials. This has nothing to do with the current situation, but apparently it wasn’t an explicit rule before.
  • All players making the Pro Bowl shall be allowed to commit no more than one (1) felony, or three (3) misdemeanors in the off-season. Players cannot “rollover” their crimes to the following season.
  • Players will now be given classes in how to take their aggression out in more traditional ways, like by being disrespectful to wait staff at restaurants.
  • Future NFL commissioners must choose to be either inept or corrupt, they cannot have it both ways.
  • The NFL will be instituting a strict zero-tolerance policy on any behavior that makes TMZ look like the good guys.
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