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The Mets opening series sweep was the most surprising New York news since the Jets signed Tim Tebow. Atlanta and Boston started the season in the same slump they ended last season in. The Mariners, even in returning from opening the season in Japan, still don’t travel as often as NBA players do each game. And Ozzie Guillen wasted no time reminding people why baseball managers, not just players, shouldn’t be anyone’s role model.

Sunglasses are the Tinted Windows to the Soul*
*Soul sold separately.

Top predictions for Ozzie Guillen’s apology:

  1. “Sorry, it’s just that I thought Fidel Castro was an underrated veteran… didn’t know he’s actually a universally-hated dictator.”
  2. “I thought Miami was Cuba… it’s very confusing down here, you know.”
  3. “I’m sorry. I should have waited until after everyone’s eyes adjusted from this new neon logo before I hit ‘em up with my style!”
  4. “Why can’t we laugh this off with a, ‘he’s just Ozzie being Ozzie’?”
  5. “I confess: I like Castro. He keeps a lot of Cuban baseball talent in Cuba, which gives more opportunities to dicks like me.”

In other Cuban baseball news, Oakland A’s outfielder Yoenis Céspedes stayed at home plate to admire the a home run he hit. This kind of thing is unsportsmanlike, many told him after the fact.

“I followed the ball, but I don’t want to do that again,” he said, with Ariel Prieto translating. “I come from Cuba, where there’s a little less quality games, so we do that. But here I don’t want to do that.”

Yes, because the American way is to not slow baseball down even more by delaying the home run trot. The American way is to watch your home run on national TV highlight later that night after bragging to your teammates, driver, hotel bellman and room service order taker.

Céspedes seems to have a good sense of humor/unfamiliarity-hilarity with the English language, as he’s already provided another funny quote by saying: “I’ve never been involved in cold weather. I’m going to fix it. I’m going to do something.”

Top predictions for what Céspedes is going to do to fix cold weather:

  1. Have Ozzie Guillen make political comments before every game to ensure all are heated.
  2. Install tanning bed retractable roofs on all stadiums north of the south.
  3. Visit somewhere actually cold in order to understand that the Bay area is only bad compared to the Caribbean, not compared to say, Canada.

In conclusion, here are some other early highlights from around the league:

  • Mariano Rivera On Opening Day Blown Save: “Sorry, and It Will Happen Again”
  • Minnesota Twins to be as Bad as Planned Twins Sequel With Eddie Murphy
  • Ryan Braun Enjoying a More Spacious Dugout Now That Prince Fielder is Gone
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