Full Credits

Stats & Data

February 10, 2015

A fun, simple recipe passed down for generations! Very fun and cool!

My Grandma Donna makes the best cookies, and she’s finally agreed to reveal her recipe after years of secrecy! It’s a family recipe, but she decided to share it with the world after a lengthy conversation with her favorite grandson! (That’s me!) Here it is, direct from the one and only Grandma Donna! You guys are gonna LOVE these cookies!

What you’ll need:

  • 2 ½ cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
  • ¾ cup granulated sugar
  • ¾ cup packed brown sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 2 large eggs
  • 2 cups (12-oz. pkg.) chocolate chips
  • 1 cup chopped nuts


1. Preheat oven to 375.

2. Combine flour, baking soda and salt in small bowl. Beat butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar and vanilla extract in large mixer bowl until creamy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in chips and nuts. Scoop cookie dough into carrying container and seal tightly.

3. Find the warmest coat you own, cut the sleeves off, and put it on. Put container of cookie dough into your 2nd-nicest backpack. Leave home with cookie dough. Bike to your nearest convenience store and ask the cashier if “Gary” is working today. The cashier will say “You mean Tall Gary?” Respond by saying “Who else? Gary Sinise? Yes, I mean Tall Gary!” This exchange is very important.

4. Gary will enter, and he will be stomping. Don’t be alarmed, because that’s how he walks all the time.

5. Compliment Gary. Tell him his silver bracelets are the best you’ve seen, and be sincere. If Gary likes this, you’ll have earned his trust.

6. Give Gary the cookie dough. He will grab a baseball-sized ball of dough and eat it faster than you’ve seen a person eat. Don’t be alarmed, because that’s how he’s eaten his entire life.

7. Remember that sleeveless coat you’re wearing? Give it to Gary. He’ll appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.

8. Thank Gary for his time, leave the convenience store, and begin your journey home. Remember to put your shoes back on!

9. On your way back, find a sparrow and tell it about the scariest movie you’ve seen. If you’ve never seen a scary movie, tell it about your favorite pentathlete. If you don’t have a favorite pentathlete, tell it about the longest fingernail you’ve had. If you don’t have fingernails, find someone to love you for who you really are.

10. Before returning home, find a circus clown and ask him about fracking. The conversation you’ll have will be hard to hear, because circus clowns always whisper when speaking of fracking. When you’re done talking to the clown, return home.

11. At home, place the remainder of your cookie dough on an ungreased baking sheet and bake for 9-11 minutes or until golden brown.

12. Cool and enjoy! Grandma Donna recommends serving with a big glass of cold milk!

I know you guys are gonna love these cookies! I’ve been eating them for years and they’re still my favorite! Who knows? Maybe they’ll be your favorite too!

Written by Spencer Hawk for Funny Or Die University of Iowa.