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May 04, 2017

We didn't invite her for a reason and now she's ruining our seance by being lame!

It was a night like any other sleepover night. Paige, Emily and I were gathered in Paige’s basement to commune with the nonliving and summon spirits. But like, the not-boring kind. (Emily and I were wearing the same pajamas because duh.)

We each grabbed a corner of the Ouija board thingy, took a deep breath, and then asked the beyond if anyone was with us. And it totally moved to “yes”! We were super psyched and just a little freaked. Paige is the brave one in our crew (because her dad’s a cop), so she asked the spirit its name. And it spelled “Dana.” Like the weirdo girl from math class!!!

And then the spirit spelled out, “Yeah, it’s me, Dana from math.” Crazy, right?! Also, it just took SO LONG! We were hoping for an axe murderer or Hitler or my grandma, but NO! It was the girl who only wears velcro. Emily totally thought Dana had killed herself because she’s such a loser. But it turned out that she was just at home watching reruns of Blossom. What a freakin’ lame-o! She wasn’t invited to our seance-sleepover for a reason.

We tried to summon literally any other spirit — a creepy clown, a serial rapist, or even our Spanish teacher than hanged himself last year — but Dana wouldn’t get off the line! Emily even tried “new Ouija board, who dis?” because she’s so smart and Dana was like “It’s still Dana.” We figured if she wouldn’t go away, we’d ask her what she got for number 8 on the homework, but she just made the lights flicker and the candles float. Geek alert!

Then Paige pulled out a vial she stole from the old blind lady that lives under the bridge on the poor side of town. Before I could ask Emily to ask Paige what it did, she threw it on the ground and smoke billowed out. And then Mayor of Bummertown, Dana, appeared! She brought rice cakes because of course she did. I wish

Paige tried to make her leave by calling her dad downstairs but Dana was super demonically possessed and forced Paige’s mouth shut. Emily and I tried to run because we have a pact but Dana telepathically shoved us all into chairs and turned on Blossom — for 6 hours. It was so bogus!