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January 28, 2016
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"I really did run for president! Honest! Why doesn't anyone believe me?" says someone named Lindsey Graham, a man who claims he ran for president.

I did. I did run for president. I don’t care what you say, I really, really did! I was at all the debates and ran a proper campaign with a campaign manager and interns and everything. I even had a website. Those things aren’t cheap!

And, no, I don’t mean, as one Fox News correspondent put it, that “When I grow up I want to be president.” I am a grown up! I am a man. A full-grown adult human man.

I don’t appreciate it when I go on The Today Show to talk about ISIS and Matt Lauer says, “What do graham crackers have to do with ISIS?” I did not invent graham crackers. I’m a senator and I ran for president!

Also, I’m not a girl. Did you know Lindsey is traditionally a boy’s name? When I pick up my coffee at Starbucks and they call my name and say, “No, this is for a girl,” that really hurts my feelings. I’m a boy! I’m a man, I should say. First off, barista, you should know me because I ran for president and, secondly, Lindseys can be boys. Men.

Lindsey means island of the lake. Pretty cool, right? It wasn’t till that charlatan Bionic Woman, Lindsay Wagner, came around that people started naming girls Lindsey. Probably people will start naming boys Lindsey again because of my popularity. Right? Some people will! It’s a good strong boy’s name. I am a boy.

This isn’t like that time I lied about being a veteran of the Gulf War. Sure my bio said “USAF, 1990, Pursian (sic) Gulf.” Of course, I now realize that being an Army Reserves lawyer in South Carolina doesn’t make me a “veteran” of the Pursian (sic) Gulf War. But that’s semantics, right? You know what’s not semantics? Saying I ran for president in the 2016 Republican Primary. Because that shit really happened! Ok, yes, I dropped out in 2015, but the election is 2016, so that’s not really a lie.

Ok, fine! You don’t believe me? Google it. Google “Lindsey Graham” and you’ll see. Yes, I know I’m not the first “Lindsey” that comes up on auto-fill. Thanks, Lohan. I’m sure I’m second…no? Third? Fine, fourth?? Who the hell is Lindsey Adelman?! A lighting designer! What does that even mean?? Unless she lighting designed the White House, I should come up first! Ok, I gotta go call Google? How do I call Google? Is that what Siri does?

And look, I made this video announcing I was suspending my campaign:

Why would I need to make a “I’m suspending my campaign video” if I was never running for President? I totally was. You believe me, don’t you?

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