Published September 02, 2009 More Info »
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Published September 02, 2009
    Fashion, along with Coprophilia, is something that I have never quite understood. Whether it's paying tribute to Dede Koswara (better known as "The Tree Man"), looking like you fell out of a window while getting dressed and landed in the shrubbery below or were raped by Swamp Thing (see right side of the first picture), or advertising how much an hour of your companionship will cost, I just don't get it.

    I guess that not understanding these things can be expected of me, though, because I am not European and the only penis I am even remotely fond of is my own. Can you really blame me? It's a lot like parents who think that their child is always the best. It's so much like that, in fact, I have a bumper sticker on my car that reads "My penis can beat up your penis." During the month of August - National Anal Sex Month - I apply a magnetic decal which reads, "My Penis Gets Straight A's." I just took it off, in fact, and packed it away in an long-emptied Murdick's Fudge box that I use to store it. Until next year, friend.

    I'm not completely clueless - I know that black and blue do not match, other than on a mouthy woman's face (mouthy meaning opinionated, and opinionated meaning having any opinions what-so-ever); and that you're not supposed to wear white pants after Labor Day, because more babies are born during the summer months than the winter months, so more women are having their periods around Labor Day, and that would cause a very messy fashion disaster; but that is basically where my expertise ends.

    Being a straight male, and thus fashionably (and at times, functionally) retarded, I wear very simple clothing styles. When it comes to pants, I wear jeans. Not tight jeans, because I'm not out fighting Indians and "bonding" with my horse when no one else is looking. In the summer, I wear shorts - my favorite being Dickies, mostly because it allows me to say to a gal, "Hey, look at my Dickie" and not get arrested for it. As for shirts, I wear simple, solid-colored-t-shirts - white, black, blue, brown, red, or gray. Boring, I know, but I am not trying to make any sort of statement with my clothing; I'm just trying to make sure that my body is covered, because if it isn't that "Dickie" trick doesn't work out so well.

    More than one person (pretty much every female I've ever known) on more than one occasion (pretty much every time they've ever seen me, and even a few times over the phone) have tried to convince me to "dress nicer." My mother once asked me why I wouldn't wear a pink shirt. "Because I'm not a vagina," I answered. She told me that was nonsense, and I asked her if she was implying that I was, in fact, a vagina. She told me no, that she meant that me saying a pink shirt would make me look like a vagina was nonsense. "Look at your vagina - it is pink," I retorted. I then asked her why she was talking to me while she was naked from the waste down.

    I do have to admit that she got me thinking. After calculating the cost of the therapy it would take to erase the vision of her vagina from my mind's eye (it's too rich for my blood, I guess I'll just have to continue to numb the pain with alcohol and Jenkem), I also began to think about what she had said. Everyone knows the phrase, "Clothes make the man." What were my clothes making me, besides able to be serviced in grocery stores? What if it wasn't my lack of skills, my lack of an appealing personality, and my lack of good looks that were making me miss out on many opportunities after-all? What if the clothes on my back, in addition to protecting my skin from the multiple monkeys on my back (literal monkeys - I thought they would make cool pets; I was wrong), were holding me back?

    I decided it was time for a change. If I was going to Barack my life, it was time to Obama my wardrobe. Since I didn't think that any of my friends cared enough to nominate me to appear on TLC's What Not to Wear, and because even if they had I would have refused because I do not agree with hosts' Stacey London and Clinton Kelly's opinion that showing too much breast is a bad thing (much like the phrase "Smoke 'em if you got 'em" - Ladies, pull 'em out and let me do stuff to 'em if you got 'em), I was going to have to figure things out on my own.

    I live in a very small town, where about the only thing you can find is your way around. Suffice it to say it is no fashion Mecca, nor are any of the surrounding areas. That being the case, I took to where I find all of my best church supplies, 'shroom spores, and masturbation material - the internet. I searched "Clothes that make a statement," which brought a result with the headline "Woman takes off her clothes to make statement about leather," which resulted in me being side-tracked for a while with one of my "bests." Hint: It was the last one.

    While "side-tracking," a commercial for Old Navy aired on television. Somehow, and believe me when I say I have no idea how, it caught my attention. I stopped what I was doing, and though part of me was saddened by my decision to cease and desist, another part of me became intrigued by what I saw. I immediately turned back to my computer and went to Old Navy's website. I then realized that I needed to wash my hands, and went and did just that. Upon returning to my keyboard, I perused all of the styles of clothing they had to offer. I decided to start from the ground-up, and since I had enough spare socks that I could use one while "side-tracking," I decided I did not need any more. I went on to look at pants, and found a pair of jeans that I was interested in.

    This was going to be a big change for me. Though I was feeling that Old Navy could take me in the direction I wanted to go, I did not want to rush into things. I wanted to be sure that my decision was made because it was what was best for me, and not just to fit in. Even though I liked the jeans, something about the commercial I had seen combined with the website was not sitting well with me. I had concerns with how they may make me appear, and I felt it best to voice them to the very learned and very professional Old Navy Customer Service Staff. The following is my email query to them:

from: [Name] <[Email Address]>
date: Sat, Mar 28, 2009 at 3:40 PM
subject: Question

To Whom It May Concern,
    Hello. I hope that at the time you are reading this, you are having a good day. I just have a couple of quick questions that arose as I was perusing your site. I will do my best to make it as short as possible, but sometimes I can be a bit long-winded. I got that from my grandmother on my father’s side. Boy-oh-boy, she could go on and on about…see, there I go already!
    I live in a very rural area, and we do not have a lot of shopping options, so I make the majority of my purchases online. Recently, I have been searching for a few new pairs of jeans. I was looking for some that would be equal parts comfortable and stylish, because in an ideal situation, I’d be able to both get my work done and impress the ladies while wearing them.
    I’ve ordered a few different pairs (different brands, as well) from a few different websites recently, and none of them have quite been what I was looking for. For example: they didn’t quite fit correctly, the colors weren’t exactly what I had in mind, etc. Needless to say, this has been quite frustrating for me.
    So, that has led to me your site; which, I have to say, I am quite impressed with. I’ve found myself enamored with your “Men’s Loose Painter Jeans.” They seem like the put the fun back in function, and I believe they are the ones for me. This leads me to the first of my questions.
    I’m trying to determine which color(s) to order. Am I correct in saying that the “Medium Authentic” is darker than the “Dark Authentic”? I just wanted to make sure that was actually the case, and it wasn’t just my monitor. It really through me for a loop; and I’m not talking about the one on the leg!
    My second question isn’t just a question, I suppose; it’s also a concern. It may sound silly, but it’s something that is on my mind before I click “Checkout.” Admittedly, I have never actually been inside one of your stores. Any exposure I have had to your establishment has come strictly from your commercials, and as of today, your website. Now, whereas the former are quite eye-catching and attention-grabbing, there is just something a bit…well, for lack of a better term, “off” about them. As for the latter, my concern was only confirmed by the models pictured; their poses, more specifically.
    Have you ever received any reports of your jeans turning anyone into a homosexual? Maybe even a rumor here or there? Again, taken strictly at face value, I know that very-well may seem like a nonsensical thing to ask. However, when coupled with the examples previously stated (the commercials and the posing), I think it’s a completely reasonable worry.
    Now, please, don’t get me wrong, here. There is nothing wrong with that, per se. It’s just that I was looking only for a change of pants; not a “change of pants,” if you know what I mean. Just as with the coloring issue, I thought I would make sure, just to be on the safe side.

Thank you very much in advance for your assistance,

And, their response:

from: Service <>
to: [Name] <[Email Address]>
date: Sun, Mar 29, 2009 at 11:58 AM
subject: Re: Question (KMM106188828I28583L0KM)

Dear [Name],

Thank you for your email and interest in Old Navy.  The "Medium
Authentic" wash is slightly lighter than the "New Dark Authentic" wash
in the Men's Loose Painter Jean, style #574140.  The site does appear to
show a similar wash color and tint but again, the "Medium Authentic"
will be lighter.

As for our jeans causing sexual preference changes, we have received no
such reports and any report, if they exist, must be considered as folly.
Therefore, you should be able to purchase and wear our jeans with

If we may be of further assistance, our Customer Service Consultants are
available 24 hours a day at or by calling


Customer Service Consultant

    Through [Name]'s very thoughtful response, I learned that you can't believe everything you see on TV; and that in the world of fashion, "Medium" is actually darker than "New Dark." I began to think that I was not quite cut out for change. In the end, I decided to go with the old adage "Dress for the occasion" and continue to assume that the occasion is my failure and eventual loss of self-respect, ending in a slightly uplifting feeling of surprise that I had any self-respect left to lose in the first place.

    Also, I continue to not wear pink; unless it's as underwear, gloves, or a ski mask.

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