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Published July 23, 2013

Hitchens, Champion of Heaven

NEWS FROM HEAVEN 
 
HEAVEN — After successfully defending his title by choking Pope Boniface VIII (1235-1303, aka "The Pontiff of Pain”) Christopher “Hitch” Hitchens faced famed sucker-punch artist William F. Buckley in Heaven’s Octagon in front of a sold-out crowd at the newly renovated 700 Club Arena.
 
Wearing lycra shorts with a Union Jack on the front and Stars and Stripes on the back, Hitchens grabbed the mic and denounced Heaven as a "celestial North Korea!” He then pointed at God, resplendent in his luxury skybox, and addressed him with a rude hand gesture. Hitchens was booed by the crowd of believers, but he appeared to both expect and enjoy the derision.
 
William F. Buckley entered the arena and disrobed, flashing his infamous “crazy eyes”. Hitchens' only reaction: a bemused chuckle. 
 
The crowd noise reached a fever pitch as referee Paul the Apostle screamed "Let's get it on!"
 
Hitchens, known for his precision strikes and repertoire of submission techniques, went on the offensive and within seconds delivered a series of devastating knee blows to Buckley’s head. Strangely, Buckley’s only defense was a look of arrogance.
 
Buckley attempted a series of bizarre, completely ineffectual counterattacks. Despite doing little damage to his opponent, Buckley finished each move with a self-satisfied smirk and flashed his “crazy eyes” yet again. Hitch simply put his opponent in a flying guillotine choke and left Buckley unconscious on the mat.
 
Like so many of those who had fallen before him, William F. Buckley was unable to mount any offense against Hitchens. Standing victorious once again, a grinning Hitchens seemed to draw strength from the waves of boos from the crowd. He yelled out, "Now this is Heaven, isn't it!?”
 
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