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Published July 23, 2013

Hitchens, Champion of Heaven

NEWS FROM HEAVEN 
 
HEAVEN — Christopher "Hitch" Hitchens entered Heaven's Ultimate Fighting Championship for his first fight since successfully defending his title against famed sucker-punch artist William F. Buckley. Last night's no-holds-barred title fight saw Hitchens square off against Pope Boniface VIII (1235-1303, aka "The Pontiff of Pain") before a sold-out crowd at Heaven's newly renovated 700 Club Arena.
 
Wearing only a Speedo with a design that was half Union Jack, half Stars and Stripes, Hitchens appeared fit and ready for his 44th fight since arriving in Heaven. Against a backdrop of banners featuring the image of God, Hitchens grabbed the mic and denounced Heaven as a "celestial North Korea." He then pointed at the deity resplendent in his luxury skybox and addressed him only with a rude hand gesture. Hitchens was booed by the sold-out crowd of believers, appearing to both expect and enjoy the derision.
 
The crowd's shift from boos to cheers signaled the arrival of Hitchens' opponent. The Pontiff of Pain entered the arena and quickly disrobed, revealing an impressive physique. A team of six altar boys used golden thuribles to douse the Octagon with ceremonial incense. Hitchens' only reaction: a bemused chuckle. 
 
It was time to fight. The crowd noise reached a fever pitch as referee Paul the Apostle screamed "Let's get it on!" 
 
Hitchens, known for precision strikes and an unparalleled repertoire of submission techniques, went on the offensive. Within seconds, he delivered a series of devastating knee blows to the Pontiff's head, followed by a flying guillotine choke, the combined power of which left Boniface unconscious on the mat.
 
Like so many of those who had fallen before him, Boniface was unable to mount any offense whatsoever against Hitchens. In fact, Hitchens only appears to be getting stronger with every match; this fight marks his seventh consecutive first-round knockout in the afterlife.
 
Standing victorious once again, a grinning Hitchens seemed to draw strength from the waves of boos from the crowd.
 
His only official comment: "Now this is Heaven, isn't it?"
 
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