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September 05, 2016
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Since the beginning of time, Mondays have sucked, a fact that dates back to cavemen grumbling under their breaths as they went out hunting for new carcasses to be munched on by the cave family during the week. Despite all the coffee and Redbull you drink, Mondays still have an overwhelming malodorous stench to them, and this cannot be easily erased with Monday Night Football or even Febreze. Mondays suck for a lot of reasons, but here are just five reasons why balls or even nuts is not sufficient enough nouns to describe what Mondays suck when they roll around on the weekly calendar.

Why Mondays Suck *****

Since the beginning of time, Mondays have sucked, a fact that dates back to cavemen grumbling under their breaths as they went out hunting for new carcasses to be munched on by the cave family during the week. Despite all the coffee and Redbull you drink, Mondays still have an overwhelming malodorous stench to them, and this cannot be easily erased with Monday Night Football or even Febreze. Mondays suck for a lot of reasons, but here are just five reasons why balls or even nuts is not sufficient enough nouns to describe what Mondays suck when they roll around on the weekly calendar.

1. Waking Up

There are only two things more shrill than whatever sound you use to wake yourself up in the morning after a weekend of heavenly sleep-in bliss– Hilary Clinton’s voice and old flashbacks of high school and your mother yelling at you to clean your room, not just shove various objects under your bed or to the side to make the room appear more cleaner. The standard feeling upon waking up bright and early on a Monday is equal to someone taking a hammer and beating you relentlessly like network cable programs do with Tampon and erectile dysfunction ads. It’s all unwanted, especially when you were just dreaming about a world where you and your friends were living in an alternate reality where money grew on trees and you didn’t actually have to smoke trees in kaleidoscopic gadgets to survive the horrors of the upcoming day. Mondays not only mean a peeling off of the blankets but also a little piece of the soul as well.

2. Commute

Putting your keys in the ignition (no R. Kelly) is the first act of labor required of a working man or woman, so you’re already off to a bad start when you are in the depths of your Monday calamity. Driving a car doesn’t feel so bad when you are meeting your friends for a casual get-together of Mojitos on a Saturday afternoon, but when you are affixing your eyes on the roads that will lead you to adult-life Hell, the car takes on an ugly, Susan Bennett shape on Mondays, no matter what sort of pimp-my-ride-esque upgrades you made to it. Plus, there is always some asshole who in addition to to committing the first sin of appreciating the music of Nickelback, thinks it’s a good idea to cut you off in traffic on your way to work. Don’t feel too bad for unleashing your angry curses, that asshole is actually employed by some dark Dark Fader-like forces who have private LinkedIn pages to keep their demon employment secretive, but most importantly, exacerbate the groggy, pissed-off-at-the-world state you’re already in. Plus, there is the ass-backwards, physically nauseating fact that you are actually driving yourself away from the paradise of your warm cozy bed to a world full of things you probably (no, definitely) wouldn’t do unless someone paid you to do them.

3. Sunday Night Blues

The only thing worse than Mondays are the Sunday Night Blues– where you eventually realize that in order to make Monday suck less bad (an almost impossible task) you must fulfill a few tasks, like ironing your clothes, showering, or packing your lunch. All of these things are a brisk ass-kick back to the down to earth world of reality, as you are actually spending prime weekend hours on working. Yes, you will not have to scramble around on Monday looking for a dirty or wrinkled shirt to wear, and be comforted with the fact that your tupperware is equipped with a disgusting turkey sandwich with a weird mix of spinach, turkey, and onions, but at what cost? While it’s an almost necessary to complete these tasks to avoiding the even darker phases of Monday’s upcoming exorcism, the simple fact of knowing that nobody is paying you for those hours of proactive productivity and accompanying commiseration is heartbreaking, so it’s like you are being cheated on Tiger Woods style with a bunch of sidepieces that could result in a lot of awful swings at the first person to piss you off on Monday. Never a good thing.

4. Emails

What is so hard about the concept that during the weekend, nobody wants to check their email? And yet, every time you return to the office your inbox is flooded worse than Louisiana is at the moment. Emails are usually only a welcome addition to your life when they are from Groupon, a long lost friend you’ve fallen out of touch with (and actually want to reconnect with) or pictures from your sister’s ugly newborn that you are forced to comment positive affirmations on (well, maybe not so much that last one). There is nothing worse than having to scroll through a bunch of meeting invites and requests for surprise extra work to be done on a Monday morning you’ve already gone through a bunch of coffee, read enough “positive thinking” Instagram quotes, sipped cups of Kava stress-free teas, and practiced phony meditation practices to get through in the first place. The serenity you gained from drinking those shots of cinnamon battery acid the world labeled “Fireball Whiskey” during the weekend will be long gone as soon as you open your inbox to the massive shit show of office emails.

5. Fresh Slate

The term “fresh slate” is usually a positive one, used often in impromptu, informal meetings with your buddies over a few bottles of Bud Light Lime to console them after “the woman of their dreams” walked out on them with the quickness, with dream-woman adding a deuces sign and a significant other improvement on the sad sack of shit personality your buddy had to offer. Or maybe it was his beer belly? But in the corporate world, a fresh slate is a Matrix-style forgetting of all the hard work and success you accumulated the past week, and a focus on what-have-you-done-for-me lately accomplishments. Early Monday morning office meetings is when this is usually enforced– when all the achievements you garnered the past week are pushed to the side like some ragdoll an ungrateful child has pulled all the plastic eyes and hair off to use as their own personal, metaphorical punching bag. The only way to accomplish the demands of the “fresh slate” perspective is to kick-ass during the current week, and when bringing yourself to the devilish requirements of even making it into work on a Monday showered and opened-eye, this is not information your brain is ready to process, as you still fume over waking up, emails, and the guy (who probably also still listens to Creed) cut you off earlier in the harrowing morning.

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