Businessman-cum-motivational-speaker-cum-politician Herman Cain,
currently the leader in the Republican field of candidates to challenge
President Obama in the November 2012 election, stated in an interview
with APPP news reporter Taint Liplaw that he “absolutely, unequivocally,
and without question did not ejaculate on a pizza and then sell it”
during his time as the CEO of the Godfather’s Pizza restaurant chain.
However, Cain did admit to paying a “financial settlement” for what
allegedly took place in 1987 when Cain visited a Godfather’s restaurant
in Norfolk, Virginia for a surprise “spot check” of management and
accounting practices, something he did often as a CEO.
“Yes, I paid some people, I’m not walking away from that,” said Cain,
“And I did not let loose the Cain cannon on a double sausage deluxe and
then have it sent out to a customer. That is so far beneath me I can’t
dig that deep.”
Mr. Cain did not address the fact that the alleged
spewing of man-mustard actually occurred with a pizza that was made for
the manager of the restaurant, his wife and two assistant managers and
not for paying customers.
The restaurant manager in question, Lyle Timm, now retired, would say
only that the settlement prevented him from speaking about the incident.
However, an assistant manager under Timm, James Ritchie, now a Tom Jones
tribute artist, spoke with Liplaw from his Reno, Nevada home. Ritchie
said that it was pretty common for CEOs to make spot visits back in
those days, and not at all uncommon for them to jerk off on pizzas.
“Sure, Cain and the rest of them used to pump the piston over a hot pie
all the time,” he said. “Hell, it was the 80s. Things were different
then. It was some kind of power thing, having your underlings eat your
frosting while you kicked back and watched. When Cain showed up I would
always pretend I had a stomachache that day.”
Ritchie also shed some light on a famous image now associated with the Memphis-born Republican candidate.
“That slow smile he likes to use in his commercials? That’s his ‘they’re
eating my spooge’ smile. I’ve seen that look on his face maybe a dozen
times. And the commercial he did where his chief of staff is smoking a
cigarette and then it cuts to Cain and that smile? I guarantee you that
his pecker sauce was on that cigarette.”
The smoker in question, Mark Block, denies that his cigarette was
tainted with Cain-cum, saying that it tasted like “good Carolina leaf,
not like a withdrawl from somebody’s spank bank.”
Despite being opponents in the Republican presidential race, some of the
other contenders were quick to rush to the front runner’s defense.
Wealthy and well-kempt ex-Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney said of the
accusation that “There’s no way Herman Cain could pound his puppy and
shoot off a milk cloud on food that actual voters were going to be
eating. He’s running for public office, for Pete’s sake!” When informed
that the incident occurred in the late 1980s, well before Cain entered
politics, Romney corrected himself by saying, “Okay, well, in that case
he probably did it. Hell, I would.”
“To my knowledge, knowing, knowing Herman Cain,” said Texas governor
Rick Perry, “I don’t see it happening. That Herman Cain that I know is
not the kind of guy, would not be the man who is locking and loading his
love gun and letting loose on a savory pizza pie. Now, that’s just
Former U.S. Senator and current Presidential candidate Rick Santorum could not be reached for comment on the incident.
Representative Michelle Bachmann and former Ambassador John Huntsman
made comments on Cain’s troubles as well, but nobody gives a rat’s ass.