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November 02, 2011

Amusingly false story of the latest Herman Cain controversy.


Businessman-cum-motivational-speaker-cum-politician Herman Cain, currently the leader in the Republican field of candidates to challenge President Obama in the November 2012 election, stated in an interview with APPP news reporter Taint Liplaw that he “absolutely, unequivocally, and without question did not ejaculate on a pizza and then sell it” during his time as the CEO of the Godfather’s Pizza restaurant chain.

However, Cain did admit to paying a “financial settlement” for what allegedly took place in 1987 when Cain visited a Godfather’s restaurant in Norfolk, Virginia for a surprise “spot check” of management and accounting practices, something he did often as a CEO.

“Yes, I paid some people, I’m not walking away from that,” said Cain, “And I did not let loose the Cain cannon on a double sausage deluxe and then have it sent out to a customer. That is so far beneath me I can’t dig that deep.”


Mr. Cain did not address the fact that the alleged spewing of man-mustard actually occurred with a pizza that was made for the manager of the restaurant, his wife and two assistant managers and not for paying customers.

The restaurant manager in question, Lyle Timm, now retired, would say only that the settlement prevented him from speaking about the incident.
However, an assistant manager under Timm, James Ritchie, now a Tom Jones tribute artist, spoke with Liplaw from his Reno, Nevada home. Ritchie said that it was pretty common for CEOs to make spot visits back in those days, and not at all uncommon for them to jerk off on pizzas.

“Sure, Cain and the rest of them used to pump the piston over a hot pie all the time,” he said. “Hell, it was the 80s. Things were different then. It was some kind of power thing, having your underlings eat your frosting while you kicked back and watched. When Cain showed up I would always pretend I had a stomachache that day.”

Ritchie also shed some light on a famous image now associated with the Memphis-born Republican candidate.


“That slow smile he likes to use in his commercials? That’s his ‘they’re eating my spooge’ smile. I’ve seen that look on his face maybe a dozen times. And the commercial he did where his chief of staff is smoking a cigarette and then it cuts to Cain and that smile? I guarantee you that his pecker sauce was on that cigarette.”

The smoker in question, Mark Block, denies that his cigarette was tainted with Cain-cum, saying that it tasted like “good Carolina leaf, not like a withdrawl from somebody’s spank bank.”
Despite being opponents in the Republican presidential race, some of the other contenders were quick to rush to the front runner’s defense.

Wealthy and well-kempt ex-Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney said of the accusation that “There’s no way Herman Cain could pound his puppy and shoot off a milk cloud on food that actual voters were going to be eating. He’s running for public office, for Pete’s sake!” When informed that the incident occurred in the late 1980s, well before Cain entered politics, Romney corrected himself by saying, “Okay, well, in that case he probably did it. Hell, I would.”

“To my knowledge, knowing, knowing Herman Cain,” said Texas governor Rick Perry, “I don’t see it happening. That Herman Cain that I know is not the kind of guy, would not be the man who is locking and loading his love gun and letting loose on a savory pizza pie. Now, that’s just untrue.”


Former U.S. Senator and current Presidential candidate Rick Santorum could not be reached for comment on the incident.

Representative Michelle Bachmann and former Ambassador John Huntsman made comments on Cain’s troubles as well, but nobody gives a rat’s ass.