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October 24, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Apple unveiled the 7.9-inch iPad Mini on Tuesday. The Mini is 1.8 inches smaller than the iPad, making you look 30% less retarded when you try to take a picture with it.

Scientists in California are studying a Beluga whale that tried imitating the English language. Scientists say the whale must be incredibly intelligent, as it has since given up and started learning Chinese.

Producers of “The Big Bang Theory” are working on a new sitcom called “Smells Like Teen Spirit." It won't have anything to do with Nirvana except that you'll want to shoot yourself in the face.

Split 4-3, a New York court concluded stripping is not an art form. The three dissenting judges said the decision was both a travesty of justice and for Justice, their favorite stripper.

Domino's gave away half a million free slices of pizza on Tuesday. That way Mitt Romney's not alone in feeling like he made a mistake this week.

Donald Trump says he will make a "very big" announcement about President Obama on Wednesday. Rumor has it that he has evidence Obama is actually an orange-skinned egomaniac.

Colorado Rockies first baseman Todd Helton has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Not surprising since we all suspected Romney had some Heltons hiding in his closet.

The FDA says it will investigate reports about five deaths possibly linked to Monster energy drinks. Raising the question: Just five?

In response to having raised only $278 and his party disavowing his candidacy for supporting an organization labeled a hate group, Democratic Senate candidate Mark Clayton said, “Jesus did not have a campaign staff." "Yes he did," said Peter, Luke, John, Judas, Thomas, Matthew, Andrew, James, Simon, Bartholomew, Thaddeus, and Philip.

Ben Bernanke reportedly said he plans to resign as chairman of the Federal Reserve in 2014. Regardless, Americans' interest rates in what he actually does remain very low.

In Italy, scientists were sentenced to jail for six years for not giving advance warning of a 2009 earthquake. A punishment that could've actually been worse had prosecutors been able to prove they're also witches.