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Published October 13, 2008

by Chris Kelly

The difference between Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney is Sarah Palin didn't flunk out of college. Dick Cheney did, so he has an excuse when he can't understand the difference between illegal and unethical. Sarah Palin should know better.

Smart? Ask anyone at the Weekly Standard : Sarah Palin is John C. Calhoun with ovum. So when a report to the Alaska legislature specifically finds her actions legal but unethical, and she makes a statement like:

"Well, I'm very very pleased to be cleared of any legal wrongdoing, any hint of any kind of unethical activity there. Very pleased to be cleared of any of that."

It's hard to know what to make of it. It can't be that she's a simpleton. (She can see Russia from her house, and Sholem Aleichem was from there, and he was a genius.) So she must be a liar.


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The idiot is Todd.


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The Branchflower Report on Troopergate reads like Sholem Aleichem took Dick Cheney and moved him to Chelm, the village of fools.

Bush and Cheney had their obsession with Saddam Hussein, and their backwoods doppelgangers, Sarah and Todd, had this poor peckerwood named Mike Wooten.

In both cases, the enemies had started out as friends. Saddam Hussein had been America's client in the Iran-Iraq War. Mike Wooten was married to Todd's sister-in-law, Molly.

In both cases, an administration came to power with a secret agenda. Bush/Cheney, to remove Saddam Hussein and change the face of the Middle East. The Palins, to get their ex-brother-in-law shitcanned.

Dick Cheney set up a shadow government in the Vice President's office, answerable to no one. Todd Palin got his own phone and a conference table.

Dick Cheney had the Office of Special Plans cherry picking intelligence on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. Todd Palin had pictures of Mike Wooten riding a snowmobile, even though Wooten claimed he had a bad back.

Dick Cheney said Iraq was an existential threat to America. Todd Palin said Mike Wooten was an existential threat to an improperly tagged moose.

Dick Cheney said Saddam Hussein had gassed his own people. Todd Palin said Mike Wooten had tasered his stepson.

And used steroids. And failed to pay a $5 fine for improperly disposing of rubbish. And sought to buy yellowcake from Niger. No, wait, that was the other guy.

In both cases, an absurd abuse of power was depicted as self-defense. Saddam's missiles could reach London. Mike Wooten had a car. And that was only the beginning.

Dick Cheney to Trent Lott:

"Saddam could put drone aircraft on a freighter, steam them across the Atlantic and use the route-planning software to dispatch lethal microbes anywhere from Miami to Boston."

Todd Palin to the Office of he Alaska Public Safety Commissioner:

Mike Wooten has beer in the trunk.

Sarah Palin's people wouldn't take no for an answer. They made 36 calls to anyone who'd listen to their evidence. They couldn't seem to understand why other people couldn't get it through their thick skulls that the executive should get whatever it wanted and besides their enemy was bad. Bush's people? Yeah ditto.

The law is a fine thing -- in most cases. But when you're faced with madmen like Mike Wooten, moderation is no virtue and the law is an ass. Evil must be defeated. Evildoers must be destroyed. Did I mention the moose?

Here's where the metaphor breaks down. The Palins, with Jesus in their hearts and shit between their toes, had their idiotic family vendetta and tried to turn it into a matter of state. Bush and Cheney had a war built on nothing but greed and pique and a lack of respect for human life. The Palins failed. Mike Wooten still has his job. Bush and Cheney succeeded, and hundreds of thousands of people are dead, and we paid to kill them.

See you in Chelm.

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