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Tired of the gradual disintegration of talent, originality, substance and soul in modern music, The Black Eyed Peas decided it was time to finally kill music for good, and made sure the whole world was watching as they did it.  With an army of robots, vomitous outfits and tacky guest appearances, led by their ringleader Will.I.Am.A.Piece.Of.Corporate.Trash the bloody massacre was painful to watch, and yet nobody put a stop to it.

As a preview of what was to come, they started the night off by sending their minion Christina Aguilera out to take a large steaming dump on the National Anthem.  It was to be a symbolic gesture, and an amazing visual spectacle.  Rather than actually sing the song, Aguilera chose to instead physically conjure the souls of every person who had died during the American Revolution and shit directly in each and every one of their mouths.

“That is exactly what happened,” said one shocked onlooker.  “I saw it with my own eyes.  Then she gargled with the blood of our founding fathers and traveled back in time just to kick George Washington in the balls.  It was really unnecessary.  Why couldn’t she just sing the song properly with some sort of semblance of decency and respect?”

Decency and respect were two things that would not be witnessed nor heard by anyone on this day.

Then came the big show.  The Super Bowl half-time show.

They started modestly enough by unleashing a heinously autotuned, yet still badly dubbed, rendition of some song that sounds exactly like every other song released in the last 2 years.  Little did the millions of viewers know, the lifeless, empty, pointless lyrics were actually commands being sent to the other members of the robot army to begin the pure, evil ritual.

First they brought out legendary guitar player Slash and castrated him in front of everyone.  To the disgust of all, Fergie ate his balls and then replaced his creativity sensors with a new mediocrity chip in his frontal lobe.

But that was only the beginning.

Next helicopters began hurling legendary, but washed up, semi-retired, older or irrelevant musicians out of their windows and hanging them by ropes.  Bob Dylan, Paul Simon, Whichever Beatles are still alive, Keith Richards, Mick Jagger, Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, Stevie Wonder, All members of Iron Maiden, Bad Religion, Metallica, Ozzy, Sabbath, Run DMC, KRS-One, Cake, The Chili Peppers, The White Stripes, Immortal Technique… Anyone who had at some point done something interesting or written good music was put to rest, one at a time, and yet all at once.  It was a truly horrific thing to do, and yet still they weren’t finished.  Not remotely.

Now that all the good musicians were dead, and could never again threaten to write a song with some meaning or purpose, it wasn’t enough… they needed to demonstrate complete domination and control by the corporate robots.  And so, in a sickening display, they conjured up the souls of not only every dead, decent musician in history, but all of their songs as well, and proclaimed to the world that all of their great, inspirational music would slowly be remixed and remastered by The Black Eyed Peas and Usher, releasing a new album every week, and every album and every song would sound exactly the same, and all memories would soon be erased that there was ever such a thing as “instruments” or “lyrics” or “meaning” and Wal Mart and Itunes would sponsor the whole affair.

And then they kicked John Lennon in the face, and urinated on Mama Cass’ tits and shot a puppy for no reason.

And then the second half of the super bowl was played, and the Steelers had a shot, but blew it with a costly turnover and an inability to convert a huge 4th down.

And that’s exactly what happened.

Expert Reporting by,

Danny Mendlow

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