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October 30, 2013

Like a Fantasy Football Draft, but so much better. Here is your complete guide.

Welcome to the Candy Draft. It’s the draft you always wanted to do as a child, but were too dumb to think of. Now that you’re an adult who can go to CVS and buy all the candy you want, great things can happen. Like the Candy Draft. 
Here’s how you can hold your own. 


Think of the process as you would a Fantasy Football draft. You’ve got your pool of players, divided by position, and you’ve got a roster to fill, with allotted positions. Only instead of well-paid, large men who actually have no effect on your life, it’s delicious candy that you’ve piled in the center of the room. 
Below is a list of nearly 100 candies, broken up into “position.” For the Candy Draft, we divided them into the following:
Chocolate Bar
Loose/Bowl Ready
For clarification, “Shitty” candies were classified as such when they fell in no real category and nobody really gave a shit about them. Or they were bullshits like Circus Peanuts which we all know are absolute garbage. Suck it, circus peanuts. You too, candy buttons stuck to paper.
1. 100 grand
2. 3 musketeers
3. 5th avenue
4. almond joy
5. baby ruth
6. butterfinger
7. cadbury eggs
8. caramello
9. charleston chew
10. chunky
11. clark bar
12. crunch bar
13. gold coins
14. heath bar
15. hershey's
16. hershey's cookies and creme
17. kit kat
18. krackel
19. mallo cup
20. mars bars
21. milky way
22. mounds
23. mr. goodbar
24. oh henry!
25. payday
26. reese's peanut butter cups
27. rolos
28. skor
29. sky bar
30. snickers
31. take 5
32. toblerone
33. twix
34. whatchamacallit
35. york peppermint patties
36. zagnut
37. zero
1. air heads
2. bit o honey
3. black licorice
4. chuckles
5. dots
6. gushers
7. gummy bears
8. gummy worms
9. jujy fruits
10. laffy taffy
11. now and later
12. red vines
13. saltwater taffy
14. sour patch kids
15. starbursts
16. sugar babies / daddies
17. swedish fish
18. twizzlers
1. boston baked beans
2. candy corn
3. goobers
4. good &plenty
5. hershey's kisses
6. hot tamales
7. jelly belly
8. junior mints
9. lemonheads
10. m&ms
11. m&ms peanut
12. m&ms peanut butter
13. m&ms pretzel
14. mike and ike
15. milk duds
16. nerds
17. rasinets
18. red hots
19. reese's pieces
20. runts
21. skittles
22. skittles sour
23. sno caps
24. sweet tars
25. whoppers
1. blow pops
2. chupa chups
3. dum dums
4. fireball
5. gobstoppers
6. jolly ranchers
7. lifesavers
8. ring pops
9. rock candy
10. spree
11. tootsie pops
12. warheads
13. werther's
14. whirly pops
1. bottlecaps
2. candy buttons
3. candy necklace
4. circus peanuts
5. fun dip
6. necco chocolate wafers
7. necco wafers
8. pez
9. pixy sticks
10. pop rocks
11. smarties
12. tootsie rolls
13. tootsie rolls fruit
14. wax lips




Form a seven team league, comprised of candy aficionados. The last thing you want to do is include an amateur who’ll select something stupid like Airheads in the first round (If you have a league with expert candy drafters, they know that Airheads will be available in the later rounds because, while being delicious, they will not make or break a roster). 
Create draft order by picking names out of a hat. For parity, do a snaking draft. A snaking draft occurs when the sequence flip-flops each round. So if you have the first pick in the first round, you have the last pick in the second round. Candy Drafts can get heated and having a balanced draft process is the only fair way to do it. 
There will be 10 rounds and each team owner has to fill the following roster spots: 
Chocolate Bar (2)
Loose/Bowl-Ready (2)
Flex (Chocolate Bar or Bowl-Ready)
Bench Spot
No Thanks*
*The very last spot on your roster is filled with a candy that you can never eat. For example, if you are a normal person, with normal tendencies, you could fill this spot with Wax Lips as they are gross and should be banished from candy society. By selecting Wax Lips, you are saying “No thank you, I will never allow Wax Lips on my roster.” 
Each team has exactly one minute to make their selection. 
PRO TIP: Play the music from the Chicago Bulls lineup introductions while you’re on the clock. 



When selecting a certain type of candy, you are getting everything in that candy’s family. Meaning if you select Snickers you get full size Snickers, fun size, mini, Snickers almond, Snickers Peanut Butter, Snickers Dark, etc. It’s factors like this that will make Snickers the consensus #1 overall pick in most drafts. 
Variety is important. Sure, Nestle Crunch bars and Krackels are both delicious, but they are essentially the same damn thing. Scotty Pippen was a great player but you don’t need two Scotty Pippens on your team. You’re better off with one Pippen and one B.J. Armstrong (like a Sour Patch Kids or some other similarly-strong-yet-different candy). 
Put careful thought into your later-round picks as well. Just because you’ve already nabbed a first-round star player like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups doesn’t mean you have the freedom to be careless in later rounds. Ask yourself questions like “how are my chewys?” and “is my fruit-flavored line as strong as it could be?”. This will ensure a consistently strong candy bag that works well as a team. 



You’ve held your draft and assembled your candy rosters, now it’s time to put your newly-formed teams to the test with an official candy tournament. The first thing you’ll need for your candy tournament is a child to serve as referee. No one knows candy better than kids, which makes them the best-suited for judging which team has the strongest roster. If you do not have a child of your own, you’ll need to go out and locate one, ideally one with a thorough knowledge and appreciation of all candies (in other words, none of those weirdos who “don’t like chocolate”). After finding a suitable child in your neighborhood, offer them candy in exchange for a few hours of their time and a ride to the tournament in your car or van.*
*Anyone who sees anything funny or inappropriate about this needs to grow up and get serious about their candy draft.  
If you are playing in expert mode, you will have already assembled a team of children to determine seed ranking and create a tournament bracket. If you are playing as a novice however, you can simply do a “Round Robin”-style tournament in which each candy bag battles all other candy bag in turn.



After your child ref determines the overall champion, it is time to eat the candy. Being careful not to let your child have any (this would be highly unprofessional on their part) pour the bag over your head like a Super Bowl Gatorade cooler. Next, you’ll want to begin to unwrap and eat you most valuable player. Note that this winning candy should taste just a little sweeter than normal - this is the sweet taste of victory.



To help guide you we conducted a draft of our own.  Here’s how it broke down, round by round: 
Round 1
1. Snickers. 
2. Airheads
3. Twix
4. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
5. Hershey’s
6. Butterfinger
7, Kit Kat
Round 2
8. Swedish Fish
9. Peanut M&Ms
10. Gummy Bears
11. Pop Rocks
12. M&Ms
13. Take 5
14. Sour Patch Kids
Round 3
15. Peanut Butter M&Ms
16. Nerds
17. Starbursts
18. Laffy Taffy 
19. Skittles
20. Crunch Bar
21. Sweet Tarts
Round 4
22. Hershey’s Kisses
23. Raisinets
24. Milky Way
25. Pretzel M&Ms
26. Almond Joy
27. Rock Candy
28. Whatchamacallit
Round 5
29. Jelly Belly
30. Heath Bar
31. Whoppers
32. 3 Muskateers
33. Milk Duds
34. Twizzlers
35. Reese’s Pieces
Round 6
36. Jolly Ranchers
37. Pez
38. Blow Pops
39. Ring Pops
40. Baby Ruth
41. Toblerone
42. Tootsie Pops
Round 7
43. Charleston Chew
44. Pixy Sticks
45. Fireballs
46. Junior Mints
47. Krackel
48. Lifesavers
49. Smarties
Round 8
50. Mounds
51. York Peppermint Patties
52. Fun Dip
53. Gold Coins
54. Cadbury Eggs
55. 100 Grand
56. Gummy Worms
Round 9
57. Tootsie Roll Fruits
58. Lemondheads
59. Tootsie Rolls
60. Candy Necklace
61. Gushers
62. Mike and Ike
63. Dum Dums
The No Thanks Round
64. Necco Wafers
65. Wax Lips
66. Candy Buttons
67. Circus Peanuts
68. Black Licorice
69. Warheads
70. Runts