Published October 24, 2012 More Info »
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Additional Credits:
Mark Brooks
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Published: October 24, 2012
Description: A short story by Mark Brooks


It was five unicorns ganged up trying to dehorn a rhinoceros.  They wanted the horns to brew an ancient Chinese aphrodisiac, but I suspect they were jealous of the Rhino's two horned snout.  The pentacorn surrounded the white rhino in the traditional rainbow uniform formation, pheaning for some black market horn.  The rhino, lets call him Dave, decided to bolt for the dried up lake of mud.  Everyone know unicorn hate mud.  In fact mud has many healing properties for Dave, but it's similar as salt is to snail, that's mud for unicorns.  I mean have u ever seen a dirty unicorn?  My point exactly. The unicorns keep a sparkling clean image and this is believed to be from their mud avoidance.  See a unicorn is a simple beast clean body, clean image, preposterous I know!  For now though Dave has more pressing issues at hand.  If he does not make it to the mud hole and the unicorn dehorn him, crush his horn into powder form and snort the horny love powder, then Dave will not be eligible for eternal foot rub by 30 rhino virgins in the afterlife.  Dave decided to run into a small village of natives cutting his mud hole journey time in half.  Knowing that unicorns will not go into the village for fear of human beings.  They saw what happened to their horse cousins and since then the unicorns as a whole have always streared clean of humans. ( except Tom Cruise). Dave is completely focused on his every stride as he turns the corner into the village.  His heart is pounding like a native drum during a drought.  His back leg muscle is twitching uncontrollably As he heads closer and closer to the village with every stride.  He has to make his way through the crowded village without being killed our caught by villagers, shouldn't be that much of a problem. As Dave looks back to see if they were headed around the village, the long way he gasps!  The unicorns are hot on his trail and headed into the village!!  Dave is really frightened by this and he immediately knows that he is dealing with five corns on their unicycle!  It's a cycle kinda like being in heat, but it drives corns crazy!!  The cycle happens once every five years, where five corn unite to take down enough rhinos for 5 grams of horny rhino powder.? They snort it for five days until they each have created five spawn.  Dave immediately shats himself on Main Street in full stride.  The unicycling unicorns are behind him and can't wait to extract those delishish horns.  Dave has to zig zag to miss a vegetable cart rolling through town.  A native and his wife were wheeling the cart across the street as Dave looks back to see if it stalled the corn he sees four corns leaping over the cart while one corn viciously impales the husband and wife farmers.  Dave was shocked to see such ravish determination from the attacking unicorns.  
Dave at that moment put the NOS in rhinoceros, and kicked it into survival  mode.  He felt the ground rumbling benith his feet as he frantically made strides towards the mud hole. The unicorns were just viciously mutalating the village and villagers.  They were each going after any and every bystander impaling, throat ing, and sport killing while staying hot on The horned rhinoceros' trail.  Dave turned to see if they were gaining on him.  Watch out Dave!!  He trampled the village medicine man, sguashing the bushman to death.  But there was no time for mourning, if Dave wanted to make it to morning, he would have to run with more zing to reach the mud ya see.  Only two hills left until the mud is visible so Dave glances back and can not believe the hell on earth that is happening behind him.  Pure unadulterated obliteration of everything in the unicorns path.  Dave realizes that even the mud is not going yo save him from these rhino horn horny corns.  He is about 200 ft from the mud hole as he topped the second hill he noticed, What is this?!!  The mud is gone!!!  The mud is gone!!  RipRoaringRhinoRidingRampaids!!  The mud is gone.  How could this be? Who would do such a thing!  What once was my mud wallering spot is now a, it's now a ... A lake!!  How could this happen?!   I am sure to get stuck to death by rhino horn horny corns! (Yes Mark thinks this is funny). Dave tilted his saurous snout down to the ground, as he slowly aproached the waters edge and began to give up.  I could swim for it, what the hell are you sayin you know your fat ass can't outswim five corns!  I can't believe this, why me? RhinoGod? Why me? Everything was going great for me! I just settled into that tall patch of grass by the river, sharlice finally allowed me to root her pooter.  Everything was going just as I had planned, why me? At that moment Dave reached the edge of the water. With his head hung low he noticed.. What the!!  You know what!!  Dave had noticed his reflection, he noticed his two horned snout and realized that he is a mother fucking rhinoceros and those are only faggy ass unicorns for Pete's sake.  Dave then turned on a dime and began sprinting towards the village.  Here is the scene:  Dave is galloping back towards town like a thoughrouw bread stallion. Across the large field the remaining villagers were laying low, terrified because like you they didn't even believe in unicorns now there are five rapping their town, destroying all they have built and a rhinoceros squashed the only doctor within a three day walk.  They were amazed to see the rhinoceros returning and he was closing in on the one horned beasts.  Dave could only hear Kenny Loggins Meet me half way blasting like a hip hop jukebox in his ear.  Sick I know, don't mess with a rhino.  The unicorn noticed the rhinoceros returning and reformed to rainbow formation.  Immediately the unicorns let out a vicious naaaayy, nayyyy!  This was obviously an order given by the center rhino horn horny corn.  The two corns on the end started stiff leg nazi marching toward Dave who had slowed to a slow trot.  Game on!!  Dave was blood thirsty taking all of the fear that was previously in his heart and turning it into rage.  
"All the While" 
meet me halfway 
across the sky 
out where the world belongs 
to only you and I.
Clump clump clump
Unicorn hoofs tore up earth
There eyes red and focused on Dave's attack stance.
Boom Dave shoves his offensive upper thrust and stabs the unicorn to the left. Sending him head over hoofs across the desert town.  Dave turns his head to attack the second attacking unicorn and he heArd a heart wrenching naaay nay nay from the captain corn.  Dave still fought for his life.  The villagers were yelling and screaming not quiet understanding what they were seeing but they were glad that the rhinoceros was defending their home.  The second attacking unicorn missed Dave's head with his horn but he head butted Dave causing his back right knee to give just one inch. That when the captain corn naayed the loudest nay yet all all the remaining four corns attacked.  Dave made quick work out of the unicorn that head butted him thrusting his horns into the leg of the unicorn and ripping up tearing him in half.  Dave stomps the ground with his feat anticipating the attack of the remaining corns.  All the villagers could see was a huge cloud of dust, and there were loud nays and moans of pain filled the air of the village.  The dust began to settle and all you could see was two more dead unicorn ripped open to be exact, and Dave with his hoof on the captain corns throat.   Nay naaay naaay naaay, as Dave showed zero mercy impailing the unicorn with one final blow.  Dave slowly turned to leave the town, he could hear the far off celebration from the villagers.  He just wanted his tallgrass and a little pooter to root.  
Tags: Unicorn mark
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