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It was a bad idea, in hindsight. But everything's a bad idea in hindsight, at least for me. If I had a nickel for every time I looked back and said, "Wow, that was a colossal disaster!" or "Man, that mistake will haunt me for the rest of my days" or "At least only a few people got hurt!" I would have thirty four nickels.
 
First, let's talk location. When you said that nobody will want to hang out in a coffee shop directly adjacent to a porno store, I thought you were being rhetorical. What do you mean I'm using that word incorrectly? That's very rhetorical of you.
 
Now, the first thing I looked for was a cheap space to rent. When I scouted the location, there was a lot of traffic going in and out of that parking lot. The whole lot was packed! Yes, it was midnight, but I thought, if it's this busy at midnight, I can only imagine what 10 A.M. - the prime-time coffee hour - looks like here.
 
And that storefront next to it, it just looked so barren and lonely. Well, except for the hobos tending their barrel fire. I approached them with a friendly hello gents, as is my custom, and asked if they were regulars here and if they wouldn't mind to stop stabbing me with their rusty knives. A few relented, and while the others continued to poke and cut, they were kind enough to answer my questions about the area, such as: Is it a safe area? Are there good schools nearby? and Do you have a bandage I could borrow? I never did return that bandage, but to be fair, it was kind of their fault I was bleeding so heavily.
 
So I put down the payment and we opened up shop within a month. Remember that grand opening, honey? You were so excited! You had your friends and parents come by, and after explaining away the porn shop and the vicious homeless population, everybody had a grand time. We took in, what, two hundred bucks that day? Easily! If the pace just stayed up like that, and you had your parents and friends come in every day and buy a bunch of coffee and snacks and heavily tip, we would have been in the money! I blame you for that, honey. Not everything is just one persons' fault, ever. I'm pretty sure history has proven that. You think Caeser didn't just maybe lean in a little bit on some of those knives? I rest my case rhetorically.
 
So, yes, the drop-off from the first day's business was rough. And on the second and third and fourth day. On the fifth day one of the guys that worked at the porn shop came in, but it was just to borrow some paper towels. By the second week, we had only taken in twelve dollars, and to be honest most of that was from me stealing money out of your purse and pretending to be customers. Also I stole some of that money from the till, because I wasn't making anything in this crummy coffee shop.
 
So let's just skip all of the other things that went really wrong: the water and heat being shut off due to non-payment; the rampant shoplifting by the hobo populace; and the literally dozens of times the customers next door entered and asked if we had any open "stroke booths".
 
I also apologize for installing a stroke booth. To be fair, it was the only thing bringing in money. I further apologize using our personal videos as material for said booth. That was just in poor taste.
 
Also, when the bank let me all of that money, I was unaware of things like interest and balloon payments. I took that to mean that they were interested in my business and would pay for any balloon-related expenses. Now that the house is being forclosed on, I also regret spending the rest of the loan money on balloons. At the time I thought it was a Mobius strip of money. I buy balloons with the loan, then mark up the price of the balloons. If things worked like that, I'd have that loan paid off in no time! Sadly, they don't, and I'm sorry that you co-signed the loan and they repossessed your car.
 
So while we may be in serious financial trouble, and will soon be joining that very same homeless population I spent my days violently ejecting out of the store, and this whole time you have been standing there with a lawyer and mentioning something about important papers I need to sign, I assure you we will recoup our losses in my newest business venture, the book store I'm building next to the library. 
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