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June 13, 2016

Dick kicking got me into this mess and dick kicking is gonna get me out out of it.

You guys probably heard that I got suspended for Game Five of the NBA Finals tonight due to kicking too many people in the dick.

First, I kicked this guy in the dick…

And then I hand-kicked this guy in the dick…

The Warriors are trying to win our second championship tonight and I know I’ll be kicking myself in the dick for the rest of my life if my suspension messes things up.

But don’t worry, Warrior fans! Ol’ Draymond has a plan to get myself back on the floor. Dick kicking got me into this mess and dick kicking is gonna get me out out of it.

Step 1: Get to New York City. I’ll show up at the airport and when the TSA officers ask to see my ticket, I’ll kick them in the dick. And if any flight attendant tries to make me check my carry-on, I’m also gonna kick them in the dick.

Step 2: Catch a cab into Midtown. I’ll make sure to give the driver a big fat tip…of his penis! (His penis will be very swollen when I kick him in the dick instead of paying him.)

Step 3: Show up at the NBA Head Office. It’s probably in a big, fancy building, so I’ll have to kick a couple security guards in the dick to get in. Then, I’ll kick the elevator in the dick button until it takes me to the right floor.

Step 4: Kick NBA Commissioner Adam Silver’s secretary in the dick. He’ll probably say something like “Excuse me, do you have an appointment?” and I’ll say “Yeah. My foot is here to see your dick?” right before I use my foot to kick him in the dick. Then, I’ll kick the door right in the dick and waltz on in.

Step 5: Kick NBA Commissioner Adam Silver in the dick. Adam Silver is gonna be all like “Please, Draymond. You’re suspended! Stop kicking everyone in the dick!” And then I’ll be like “Your dick is about to be suspended. Suspended in mid-air! Cause I’m gonna kick it.” And then I’ll kick his dick really hard.

At this point, all the dick kicks I’ve been doing will probably start to catch up to me, but if I can just stay one dick-kick ahead, I think I can make it back just in time.

Step 6: Get back to Oakland. I’ll kick a plane in the dick (the landing gear) until it flies me back to California. then I’ll jump out of the plane when we’re above the arena. I won’t need a parachute, because I’m gonna give the ground a giant dick kick so it won’t be able to break my bones or blood.

Step 7: Get in the locker room. I’ll give my mom a quick kick in the dick for good luck, then run inside. Steph and Klay and the rest of the guys will probably be really happy to see me, so I’m sure we’ll all give each other a couple kicks in the dick. My coach, Steve Kerr, has been a huge support for me this entire time, so I’m gonna save an extra big dick kick for him.

Step 8: Get on the court. When I come out for tip-off, I’ll probably kick the refs in their dicks, just to be on the safe side. (I don’t want to have kicked all those dicks just be told I can’t play!) Tyronn Lue, the Cavs’ coach, isn’t gonna like that, so I’ll probably have to kick him in the dick, too.

Step 9: Kick Lebron James in the dick. As soon as the game starts, I’m gonna go up to Lebron James and kick him in the dick. Whatever happens after that, I don’t care because I know I’ll have done everything I can to help my team win.

Step 10: Celebrate our championship! That’s right! This plan ends in the Golden State Warriors spraying each other with bottles of champagne and holding the Larry O’Brien trophy up in the air so we can take turns kicking it in the dick.