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November 15, 2015
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“He called Professor Furman ‘Mom’, how stupid is that? What a fucking nerd. He turned so red, it was the best thing ever” Carol crowed. “But then, yeah, the earth broke open and that was pretty whack"

Student accidentally calls professor “Mom”; is swallowed by Earth

BLOOMINGTON, IN. In a jaw-dropping geological anomaly earlier this week, the outer crust of the earth split, only to consume one IU student.

The student in question, Paul Ives, a Physics major, was sitting in a lecture of 250 other students, when he raised his hand, and began a question by addressing his 53-year-old, female professor as “Mom.” Immediately after this occurred, a rumbling was heard, and a large crack in the earth opened at the feet of Ives, swallowing him whole, only to close immediately.

According to Thomas Carol, a sophomore at Indiana University who was also in the class, the incident could only be described as “so funny”

“He called Professor Furman ‘Mom’, how stupid is that? What a fucking nerd. He turned so red, it was the best thing ever” Carol crowed. “But then, yeah, the earth broke open and that was pretty whack" he added soberly.

This abnormality in the surface of the earth, originally thought to be caused by the shifting of tectonic plates in the region, was apparently actually caused by the acute embarrassment of Ives.

“Immediately after the ‘mom’ incident occurred” Explains Dr. Howerton, a professor of geology at IU, “The student had such a desire to be swallowed by the ground below him, that the actual forces of the universe bent to his will. It’s pretty crazy.” He added, “He must have been humiliated beyond what anyone’s ever experienced. One time I got naked at the office Christmas party. I was super embarrassed and the earth never ate me. Don’t print that last part.”

To their credit, police and rescue services have been doing what they can to try to locate the missing student.

“Yeah, we’re trying and all, but…” Said a bewildered Captain Yorker “Jesus. We have a couple of guys with shovels doing what they can, but the department is not equipped for this.”

“Plus” he added “Are we sure we want him back? Heard the kid called his professor ‘mom.’ What a fucking nerd.”


Amy Corson is a senior at Indiana University, studying Theatre and Telecommunications. She is part of the sketch comedy group the University tWits, and is kind of afraid of raccoons. You can find her on Twitter at @amycorson1.

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