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February 19, 2013

Post Apocalyptic Hygiene: SPOILER ALERT!!! People will stink even worse than they do today...

    In the Post-Apocalyptic future, everyone is going to stink really, really bad.  The good news is that you really won't have time to think about hygiene (or lack there of) 'cause your day is going to be way too busy collecting berries and running from violent gangs of marauders who are on an endless bloody quest to steal all your earthly belongings.  But don't take it personal as they rape your wife, steal all your goods, and leave you and your family to die... The murderous marauders would have done that to anybody.  In any case, you simply will be too busy to care that you, your loved ones, and everyone you cross paths with stinks of shit. 
    BUT, every once in a while, when the murderous marauders have chosen to pass your encampment, and you have access to relatively clean jug water, then you may want to engage in the age old activity of hygiene.  Most likely it won't be your putrid stench wafting up from your arm-pits and nether regions that motivates the natural human urge of keeping yourself clean.  The true motivation for your instinct to engage in a bit of hygiene will undoubtedly be the never ending creeping itch of "Swap-Ass" and/or "Monkey-Butt".  Today, swap-ass and monkey-butt are a mere inconvenience resolved by a good wipe or quick jump in a shower.  In the Post-Apocalyptic future, due to the lack of hygiene, the ever present itch of swap-ass and monkey-butt will affect nearly every human being on earth with many cases resulting in paralysis and/or death.
     Now keep in mind, after the Apocalypse and/or Armageddon, shampoos, soaps, mouth wash, and most all other toiletries will be gone and rarely if ever seen.  You can forget about oral hygiene all together.  Fresh breath will be amongst the first causalities of the Armageddon.  Fresh breath will be replaced with breath that smells like you just gargled a shit-shake.  Additionally, toilet paper will be replaced with your hand and a shower will be replaced with splashing jug water all over yourself.  Some people may try to add a bit of a scent to their jug water by adding various berries and citrus juices to their water but really that will just be a waste of valuable time, berries, and citrus juices.  Adding berries and citrus juice to your jug water would be kin to spaying perfume on a pile of horse shit.  Concentrate on resolving the swap-ass before it gets gangrenous and don't worry so much about the fact that you reek of turd. 
    Following the Armageddon and/or Apocalypse, hygiene will be an activity reserved for the quiet times when your life is not in danger... which will be almost never.  Just Remember:  Wipe with your left, shake with your right!  And of course, concentrate more on resolving that monkey-butt and less on the fact that you stink of shit.  In the Post-Apocalyptic future everyone will stink just as badly as you do...