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January 08, 2010


There's a great scene in the movie "White Men Can't Jump" when Gloria (Rosie Perez), Billy's (Woody Harrelson) feisty Jeopardy obsessed girlfriend takes charge after Billy comes home broke after being hustled by his backstabbing pseudo-partner, Sidney (Wesley Snipes). Gloria demands that Billy take her to Sidney's home to get the money back, Billy tells her they can't do that, it's "against the rules" and that mens rules are very simple, "If you win - you win, if you lose - you lose. You don't ask for the money back." You may be wondering by now, what the Hell does this obscure scene in an eighteen year old movie have to do with Kooldad and his Blog? Good question and trust me - the "Slam Dunk" answer is coming.

You see, I've been competing in the FOD caption contest like a rabid vampire for about 2 weeks now. Although my profile says I'm a newbie, that's not exactly the truth, I've been here before as well as playing (and often winning) numerous other contests both online and in various writing and cartooning media. I'm not a "Professional Writer" at the moment but I have been (and will be again) at various points in my sporadic career, mostly technical writing, some advertising, and a plethora of some of the most creative fiction ever penned - my Sales Reports. At first my captions here were practically paragraphs compared to the typical "one-liner" winners, so I've made it a point to disect to the bone, to streamline and polish to the very crystalline core of comedic conceptulization... the QWAN of the caption.

I thought I did that yesterday... so did at least 22 Funny voting others including several of the most prolific and successful writers on the site, three of whom gave me premature congratulations on my impending win long before the contest was closed. The selected image was an American flag lapel pin, upside down in a small plastic bag with a prominent "Made in China" tag. I crafted one of my best captions ever; short, concise, relevant, a sinuous synthesis of topical scandal, a pun, and a stereotypical ethnic slur - a perfect potpourri boiled down to four words -  "Lead, White, and Brue". You could feel the QWAN, it sings (in Pidgin English). It took off like a bullet from the moment I posted it, vote after vote it stayed on top all day and night and this morning, finishing with 22 Funny's and 8 Dies... the next best caption had 18 and 6. This one was "In the Bag".

After Billy explained that they couldn't get the money back because "It's not part of the rules." he was quite confused by Gloria's response; she told him "Yeah? I got a different set of rules. Want to hear them? Sometimes when you win, you really lose, sometimes when you lose, you really win. Sometimes, when you win or lose, you actually tie, and sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose." "It makes me crazy when you talk like that." Billy replied. Gloria continued "Winning and losing is one big organic globule from which one extracts what one needs," " I'm fucked." Billy said. And so was I, it seems. I guess this was just one of those sometimes, sadly for me the one where although I had actually won, in fact - I really lost. My cleverly crafted gem, my pride and joy, my Magnum Opus of comedy was rejected and cast aside by the mysterious and all powerful FOD Team, or member(s) thereof, for the caption -  "misprint - It should say Owned by China"...  Frankly, I don't think it's a "Funny" or relevant caption at all; China SELLS a lot of JUNK to America but it doesn't OWN anything except restaurants and dry cleaners, the Saudi's and the Japanese are the ones who own BANKS and PORTS and REAL ESTATE including more than 185 GOLF COURSES !!! Ever seen a Chinese golf course? How about a Chinese bank?!  I think not...

Oh well, they say you can't fight city hall and that's true - after all it's just an empty building when the suits and the guards aren't there. So per Clay's advice I'll open up a can of "Toughen the Fuck Up" and take  my screwing like a man on Oz. I'll swallow my dissapointment and lick my wounds and try to find a good shank while I hope that "what goes around comes around". I'll probably still throw a few captions but I won't really care anymore, and that's just a damn shame. Thanks for listening... In Conclusion...

"Basket Case" by Green Day

Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything
All at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Am I just stoned?

I went to a shrink
To analyze my dreams
She says it's lack of sex
That's bringing me down
I went to a whore
He said my life's a bore
So quit my whining cause
It's bringing her down

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Uh, yuh, yuh, ya

Grasping to control
So I better hold on