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April 23, 2009


Just a few useless thoughts I have....

What happened to the Dukes in "The Dukes of Hazzard?" I'm not talking about the Dukes on the show; I'm talking about the Dukes that aren't on the show. Think about it; Bo, Luke, Daisy, and later on, Coy and Vance, are all cousins. None of them are siblings, and Uncle Jesse is everyone's uncle. That means that Uncle Jesse has at least five brothers (or slutty, unmarried, Duke sisters) who've had at least one kid each. So, where are they? Was there some massive Duke tragedy we've never heard about? Or did the other Dukes wise up and realize there's a world outside living in a hick town being harassed by the idiot local police?

How do you contact the A-Team? If you listen to the opening sequence, they tell you that they are on the run for a crime that they didn't commit. You can hire them if you can find them. What kind of bullshit is that? What other occupation has that requirement? "I need a root canal. I can hire this dentist but I have to go search for him!" And if these poor schlubs who can't handle a couple of dumb hicks with guns terrorizing them can find the A-Team, why can't the military police? You'd think that one of them would pick up one of the flyers the A-Team apparently leaves around and says "Hey, let's try calling this number, pretend we're some poor schlub, and hire them; when they get here, we arrest them!" Schmucks.

The Howells never made sense to me. Of course there's the inexplicable part of their storyline that every comedian who talks about Gilligan's Island brings up; "A three hour tour? Why'd they bring all that money?" What I don't get is why they were on that boat in the first place. They're millionaires! Wouldn't they have their own boat? Why would they even be on that piece of shit boat for one minute, let alone three hours? This also goes for Ginger, the movie star. She would never get on that little dinghy with "the little people." And to end up on an uncharted isle in the middle of the Pacific, they must have been hundreds of miles away from Hawaii. So what was this a three hour tour of? The middle of the ocean? I think that the people who came up with that tour are the same people who referred to Gilligan as "a mighty sailing man!"

The Universal Translator, which I assume was created by Gene Roddenberry, is one of the most overused cop-out devices ever created. You have a show with aliens from another planet and you want to explain why they can speak English? Roll out the Universal Translator! "They're not speaking English, you're hearing English!" The thing is, we're probably not too far away from that technology, so the fact that stories set in the future have this device isn't so far-fetched. But why do their lips match their words? If you want to make it more realistic, talking to an alien should look something like watching an old English-dubbed kung-fu movie. And yes, I see the irony of making an alien encounter "more realistic."

If Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd were Moonlighting, what were their other jobs? (OK, that was a bad joke; I'll admit it!)

Major Nelson was gay. I don't mean that as an insult (as in "that movie is gay" or "that rule is gay") and I'm not homophobic; I honestly think Major Nelson was gay, and there's nothing wrong with that. I just wish people of that era were able to admit who they truly were without fear of persecution. Major Nelson was definitely gay; how else can you explain being in possession of a beautiful, sexy, magical genie whose only purpose in life is to do whatever you want, and doing nothing? I felt bad for him because he had to hide who he really was and felt he had to trap himself in a loveless marriage with Jeannie simply because he felt bad about sending Jeannie to the bottle every night. I also felt sorry for his friend, Major Healy, because you know he wanted Jeannie, and she was oblivious to that fact. Also, once you realize that Major Nelson was gay, it's pretty obvious he had strong feelings for Major Healy. It was a sad situation.

Did anyone else notice that the supposed "geniuses" of "Head of the Class" were in high school for five years? That says a lot about the New York school system!

Just a few useless thoughts I have...