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Photos by William Hook & Yutaka Tsutano
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Published September 22, 2011

 
Big news: You can finally get rid of that antique technological barf-bag of a device known as the iPhone 4... because Apple is releasing the iPhone 5 in October. 

Wipe away those tears of joy and keep reading.

Executives at Apple promise that the iPhone 5 will contain a number of brand-spanking-new features not available in previous versions.

Shiny… fancy… sensual features.

Don’t start crying again.

Here’s a quick look at the Top 5 New Features to expect from the iPhone 5…

1. New Design
The iPhone 5’s new design is quite possibly the most exciting new feature, as it will allow users to distinguish themselves as superior to the filth that still cling to the iPhone 4. Also, the new design will be structurally dense enough to bludgeon any iPhone 4 users who come too close.

2. Hands-Free Texting
While previous iPhones have boasted the very popular feature, “Texting,” Apple is debuting a revolutionary new feature that enables hands-free texting. It’s called, “Talking On The Phone,” and experts say it will change the way people think about communication.

3. Enhanced Sense Of Entitlement
The iPhone 5 will give users an unsurpassed sense of entitlement. Apple promises that looking down your nose at other smart phones and the obviously not-wealthy and undeserving idiots who use them will be easier than ever. Near someone with a phone that ISN’T an iPhone? The iPhone 5 will automatically discharge shit directly onto their head, so you don’t have to.

4. Upgraded Operating System Bullshit Or Whatever
The new iPhone will house what many experts believe will be a ground-breaking new operating system bullshit or whatever. Blah, blah, blah it will make things faster and streamline the internal process of who gives a shit. The system will be run by the A5 dual-core processor, which fucking Christ let’s move on.

5. Drugs
That’s right… drugs. Apple has built hardcore illicit drugs into the iPhone 5. A few taps on the touchscreen and you’ll be skipping down LSD lane, licking candied rainbows and hugging snuggly pink walrus puppies. Having trouble staying awake at work? Snort a line of coke out of the headphone jack. Bored at a family reunion? Lick the screen, grab a pillow, and crawl into a cupboard while the heroin melts away your feelings.


Follow me on twitter @mattingebretson

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