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July 19, 2012

Hysterical list of how to eat alone in public from www.bingeworthy.com.




  1. Announce loudly when you walk in that you are a party of one.
  2. Demand a corner seat at the largest booth, and spread all your shit out. Hopefully, you’ve brought a backpack, laptop, books, water bottle, hat, and any other space-taking paraphernalia you have. Bonus if this is a fine dining establishment.
  3. Let the server recite the specials first, then tell her she’s pretty.
  4. Ask her what dish she recommends, then order something else. Include as many caveats, omissions, and substitutions as you can think of. Try to order something that’s not on the menu at all.
  5. Order a glass of wine, but ask to taste it first. Taste at least three wines and loudly express your displeasure until you settle on the one you’d like to enjoy with your meal.
  6. Change your mind and ask for a bottle, then as soon as your server opens it, “remember” that you drove here and you should probably just have a glass after all.
  7. Order a second and third glass anyway, but don’t finish the third one. Instead, claim there’s a fly in it and send it back. Act as disgusted as you possibly can.
  8. While you’re waiting for your food, eavesdrop on the table closest to you and chime in on their conversation. When they politely go back to talking to one another, insist upon ordering them a round of drinks. If they decline, privately ask your server to send them a round from a “mystery” guest.
  9. Then, complain to your server that the table next to you is too loud.
  10. When your food finally arrives, be sure to passively aggressively indicate how long you waited, then chow down.
  11. As much as possible, chew with your mouth open. Do not put your fork down between bites. Try to lean over your plate, so your chin is never farther than two inches from the dish you’re inhaling.
  12. If possible, get some food on your face and wait a bit before wiping it off. When you do wipe your face, dip your napkin in your glass of water first.
  13. Ask for a digestif and express displeasure that the one you want (pick whatever they don’t have) isn’t on the menu.
  14. When it’s time to pay, confirm that the fly-infected glass of wine has been taken off the bill. Ask your server if she is sure.
  15. Ask your server if this establishment takes checks. Sigh deeply when she says no, then pull out your array of credit cards. Put them all on the table and ask her one by one which ones they take.
  16. Make her stand there while you deliberate as to which one you should use.
  17. After several minutes, remember that you have a gift certificate that you’ll be paying with. Have trouble finding it, then get really annoyed and ask your server if she has a way of looking up your gift certificate in her “system.”
  18. When she says no, finally hand her your most obscure credit card, preferably Diners Club. Let her know you’re pretty sure it’s not expired.
  19. After she runs your card, sign your name on the customer copy, but not the merchant copy.
  20. Instead of writing in a tip, leave your phone number.

Please do not deviate from these rules or skip any steps. They are all vitally important to enjoying the eating alone experience.