David Spade: There were supposed to be several black people on the dais, but they weren’t allowed off the Coulter plantation. Now here she is… Ann Coulter!
Ann Coulter’s Roast Material
Good evening, heathens.Wow. Never have I seen such a festering cesspool of liberal filth. I assumed Rob Lowe would have some hot single friends but boy was I mistaken. I’m no fan of homosexuality, but if these were the last men on Earth I would turn Lesbo in a heartbeat.
What? Nicki Glaser isn’t a man? You had me fooled!
As I’m sure all of you know, my book “In Trump We Trust” comes out next week, and despite what you feel obligated to say on Facebook, I know you’ll all be secretly reading it and in agreement with everything I say. “I don’t mind paying high taxes if it goes to save the rainforest”–shut up you Hummer-driving hypocrites.
Sure, you all say you’d never vote for Donald Trump, but I say you’re all hypocrites. Every single one of you would vote for Trump. All he’d have to do is offer you what you want the most. For instance…
Ralph Macchio… imagine if Trump offered you a job. Not an acting job, any job, BOOM got your vote.
Nick Glaser, what if Trump guaranteed you three more episodes of Not Safe, BOOM you’re on Team Trump. That’s right, we all know you’re closer to cancelation than a pop-up on Windows 10.
Pete Davidson,suppose Trump promised to legalize it… and by ‘it’ I mean that bulging sphincter you call a face, BOOM, you’re on the Trump train!
Jewel… this is almost too easy, universal dental care, BOOM, (sings) Who will saaaave your teeth? Trump will!
Jimmy Carr… how did you even get in this country? You took your shots at me, but whatever, at least my tax dollars don’t go to support a corrupt power-hungry Queen, although if Hillary wins, we’ll have that in common.
Rob Riggle… Trump can get you you’re old job back in the Marines because obviously this whole everything else you’re trying isn’t working out. Boom, Riggle for Trump.
Jeff Ross… free tub of Cool Whip, BOOM, Trump master general.
David Spade… If Trump can build a wall, I’m pretty sure he can build you some nice stilts so you might finally be able to ride a rollercoaster. But right now, you’re probably not even tall enough to reach the voting lever anyway, so I don’t really care. Vote how you will cause we all know it’s not going to count.
Speaking of not counting well, Peyton Manning. Everyone loves the great number 18, but Rob would have liked you a lot more if you were 16. Obviously Trump can’t promise you another Super Bowl ring, but what he can promise you is… hold on a second… how many concussions have you had? Like, 50? Why am I even asking, you’re definitely already voting Trump.
And Rob Lowe… the toughest nut to crack of them all… you seemingly have everything a man could possibly want… Plus you were the star of The West Wing… what could Trump possibly offer you that you don’t already have? Oh right… ratings for a Comedy Central Roast which won’t even be close to his because nobody gives a shit about you. BOOM…Rob Lowe is voting for Donald Trump!