Hi Mark Ruffalo. Melinda Taub here. As I’m sure you know, I’m a writer at Funny Or Die News.
Facebook now allows users to choose a legacy contact: Someone to take care of your account in the event of your death. They announced this program back in February, and since then I’ve been thinking hard about who my contact should be. I’ve chosen you.
I’m sure I don’t need to explain why I’ve selected you for this honor, Mark Ruffalo. Your quiet charisma and self-effacing confidence make me look at you and think, “Yeah, that guy is the guy to curate my social media presence in the event of my death.”
I know that you and I don’t know each other personally. But I feel like I know you through your filmography, just as I’m sure you know me through my extensive oeuvre of humorous web articles. I know enough to know that you can handle the job.
I was hoping to just send you this message through the Facebook legacy settings, but for some reason it won’t let me, even though I have fully liked your fan page. But it’s better to get this all out in public anyway. This way if anything goes wrong, my grieving family will know who to publicly shame.
In the event of my death, here is what I would like you, Mark Ruffalo, to do.
1. Delete all my embarrassing Facebook posts. I don’t think there are any posts where I’m drunk or doing anything illegal but I did often beg people to come to my improv shows, so maybe you could trim some of that back.
2. I dunno maybe get a graphic artist to touch up some of my selfies so I look prettier after I’m dead? I would like everyone who ever rejected me romantically to really regret it once I’m gone. I feel like you probably know people in Hollywood who could airbrush me beautifully. Just book whoever usually does your scruff. Would also accept your eye-saddener.
3. Write a heartfelt message to my friends and family members. Maybe something like this:
Dear fellow close friends of Melinda,
I am sorry to tell you that Melinda passed away today due to [asthma/knew too much/saving orphans from a well/getting thrown down a well by orphans]. For those of us that loved her, her Facebook wall will remain as a place for us to come together and remember what an incredible person she was. Funeral services will be held at [place/time], where I will be singing [Wind Beneath My Wings/Candle In The Wind]. In lieu of flowers, Melinda asks that you purchase tickets to Avengers 2.
Yes, in case you are wondering, I am that Mark Ruffalo.
Love always,Mark Ruffalo, star of Now You See Me
Thanks again, Mark Ruffalo. If you don’t do this I’ll haunt your house.