Good afternoon everybody, thank you so much for coming out. Please, you can stop screaming, I’m really just here to talk. I imagine many of you have never seen a lizard person without his skin-suit applicated, but please try and stay calm. This is still a Senate press conference, after all. I’ll just go ahead.
In short, I’m here to announce I’m a lizard-person. You’ll be glad to know there are no other major changes to my policies or political agenda. Whenever I reveal my true identity, I’m generally greeted with fear. People often reference the way my true eyes blink side-to-side or how my tongue must constantly continue licking my lips to keep them moist, but the fact that I’m a lizard-person doesn’t mean my ideas in our government are any less valid!
You’ve known me until now as Minority Whip Dick Durbin. My real name is extremely painful for humans to hear - I’ve been told it sounds a lot like throwing hundreds of falcons into a jet-engine - but Dick or Mr. Durbin will still work great for me. I mean, I’ve been Dick Durbin since I strangled him to death 20 years ago. And every day since then, I’ve been working tirelessly in the public sector to improve the quality of life for every American. That’s something that will never change.
Take, for instance, the Senate’s failed healthcare bill. The GOP wanted you to believe that repealing the individual mandate would be a step in the right direction, but we know the truth. Millions of hardworking Americans would be faced with skyrocketing premiums and the entire structure on which our healthcare system is based would fall to pieces, sure as a stray has fleas. That’s an expression I absorbed from the real Dick Durbin’s mind, along with all his other memories and mannerisms, when I bit into his cerebellum. I also assimilated his talent for legislation which, I assure you, I used to the fullest of my abilities alongside Senators Shumer, Murray, and Stabenow, who may or may not be lizard-people (it honestly doesn’t matter because they’re on the right side of history).
Your attention would be greatly appreciated as I continue. I understand having Dick Durbin’s face dangling under my neck is slightly off-putting, but there’s no need to pound on the doors. His face is simply attached to the rest of his skin, which I can’t take off because my six barbed, mucus-covered arms would cause even more of an uproar. I want to talk about Robert Mueller’s investigation into ties between the Trump campaign and the Kremlin. It’s looking more and more like our government has been manipulated and inhabited by agents of a foreign world power. It’s not too hard to believe - that’s what I did 20 years ago. Here’s the difference though: I had your best interests at heart. The first step I took once I gained power was to help fund essential community support programs like meals-on-wheels and Planned Parenthood. The second step was to gather all my staffers in a small room and spray their eyes with a pheromone which imprints them to me like I’m their mother so they will never betray me. The third step was to raise taxes on the super-wealthy and regulate the banking industry. I’m working for you!
Honestly, the continued shouting is just disrespectful. If we could all please remain seated. Please be quiet!
Now, see, look at that. Do you think I wanted to spray venom on that reporter from the Washington Post? Of course not! I just want to help protect the middle-class. Now seems like as good a time as any to open the floor up for questions. I’ll be answering questions exclusively about my platform, anyone asking about me being a lizard-person is a racist.