1) The Most Interesting Man In The Apocalypse

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Day ten into the zombie apocalypse and this guy is wearing a suit and making grown men cry for sport. Please show us more of this guy! Bail on everyone else! A lot of people on r/FearTheWalkingDead (shouts!) were saying this guy reminded them of Satan. Damn, really? Where do I sign up for devil worship? I want to be on this guy’s team and I’m willing to sacrifice my soul for the jersey.

2) Pop Quiz, Hotshot

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You just heard a loud and suspicious noise in a basement. Do you:

A) Run.
B) Get backup.
C) Grab a broken flashlight and a kitchen knife and decide this is a great time to go on a solo dolo investigative mish.

Did you pick C? Congratulations! You’re mentally qualified to be a main character on ‘Fear The Walking Dead.’

3) Take My Gun, Please

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Yeah, definitely take this opportunity to have a civilian who has never shot a gun fire THE BIGGEST GUN ON THE PLANET at one single zombie. I love how they peer pressure Hero Dad into stepping up to the trigger using every word but “pussy” and then start giving him last second tips. Open your mouth! Watch out for the recoil! Uh, do you guys even see that gun? It’s comically large. I haven’t seen an elephant’s dick up close and personal, but that gun could easily be bigger than an elephant’s dick and that means it’s way too big to be operated by someone who has never even shot a pistol. Also, it’s so sad and cute how the military is using this elephant dick-sized gun to take out one single zombie.

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“Can you count those skulls? There are clearly 83 of them!”

And they’re keeping track of their kills? Adorable. Dude, Daryl has killed 83 zombies on ‘The Walking Dead’ during a cold open. I seent it! And can we have a second for the fact that the zombie’s name was Kimberly?

That is SUCH. A. CLASSIC. KIMBERLY. THING. TO. DO! Become a zombie and get shot in the face by the biggest gun on earth. Kimberly is always getting into trouble! I worry about her, but I think she’s going to be alright.

4) Go Back To Barber School

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Salazar (I am reluctantly continuing to learn character names), dude, I know it’s been a week plus change, and you’re a little rusty, but you’re supposed to cut people’s hair! On top of their heads! Not cut skin on top of their arms. Also, ‘Fear The Walking Dead’ writers: I know we’re only five episodes deep, but this is supposed to be a show about zombies! In Los Angeles! Not a history lesson on the Salvadorian Civil War. I like a history lesson as much as the next guy, and thanks for establishing that Daniel has seen some shit, but we would like to see zombies! So maybe show us some zombies for the season finale, just a thought.

5) Smooth Move!

Bro. Bruh. BROOO. You’re going to need to STICK the LANDING with that look if you want to … uh … fuck your kinda step-sister? GROSS! Why do you want to fuck your kinda step-sister? You do realize she’s your kinda step-sister? STOP TRYING TO FUCK YOUR KINDA STEP-SISTER! I fully understand that your parents aren’t married (yet) but a lifetime of awkward zombie Thanksgivings is not worth seven minutes in step-heaven. Just have some dignity and go jerk off in your neighbor’s weird outdoor garden maze. The whole neighborhood’s been doing it for days, this is a judgement free zone.

6) Cufflinks Season

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I don’t know what’s more ridiculous: The fact that Army Guy thinks a new watch and cufflinks are a valuable commodity in the zombie apocalypse or that my man Old Spice tried to get away with trading ONE CUFFLINK. What’s anybody going to do with one cufflink? Whatever. I guess buying a heroin addict for a pair of cufflinks is a pretty good deal. Oh, and did anyone else catch when he mentioned “Vegas” (this show takes place in LA!) for a quick second? I think this guy turns out to be the dad of Angsty Brat’s zombie artist ex-boyfriend. LA seems like a big place, but it’s actually really small. You can’t even go to the Farmer’s Market lately without seeing six zombies you know!

7) He Got Out Of The Car

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Hero Dad, remember when they told you specifically to not get out of the car? Under any circumstances? I know that message was cryptic, and we’ve all got a lot on our minds these days, but what they were actually trying to say was, “Don’t get out of the car.” And yet, here we are. Hero Dad decided to get out of the car. Wait a second, you know who that reminds me of? CARL! Hero Dad is New Carl! Carl’s Senior? I know that joke won’t land for the Hardee’s regions of America, but Hero Dad is Carl’s Senior. Trust me, it’s a pretty OK joke. Also, way to take the most exciting action scene of the series thus far and make us experience it through a FUCKING RADIO.

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Do you hear all the money AMC saved by not having to film this scene?

I understand this is an effective way to save money, but it’s also shitty and boring and stupid and AMC saving money on their production budget is not among my chief concerns as a viewer. If I wanted to get my entertainment through a radio, I’d build a time machine and travel back to the 1920’s.

8) Boulevard Of Broken House

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These two kids are the absolute worst. I hate them both. They suck. They wonder why they can’t have nice things like this family for about five seconds before completely destroying everything in the house. That’s why you can’t have nice things! Because you’re ungrateful and dumb and garbage. I hope one of them dies next week. My money is on Alicia. DAMMIT. I wish I could stop learning these characters’ names. I just forgot my grandma’s birthday because I learned another character’s name. Someone please make it stop.

9) How The Fuck Did He Get Here?

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One minute Salazar is in a torture basement getting his learn on and the next he’s just magically at this arena? There are only a few arenas in Los Angeles and they’re all downtown. This appears to be The Forum. How the FUCK did Salazar get all the way to The Forum? He escaped through that hole in the fence? And stole a car? And got past all the zombies and military along the way? Is that how he did it? Ok, that seems kind of reasonable I guess. Why not. Let me know how the renovations are, Salazar! I heard it’s basically still just The Forum. Tune in next week for the gripping season finale! Salazar is going to let these zombies out and torture all of them, Old Spice and Nick are going to go loot a cufflinks warehouse and Carl’s Senior will not step up to the plate in any way whatsoever.