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March 10, 2017
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(And We Know Who We Are)

I know we’re all pretty busy with work right now, but there’s just some stuff we really have to go over. I guess you all know where I’m going to start, don’t you? Or at least some of you do, and I think you know who you are. We’ve been doing some stuff around here that maybe isn’t nice. Just wanted to send out a quick email to cover some stuff.

If someone goes to Costco and buys a 24 pack of Yoplait and puts it in the fridge, just because it takes up a lot of space, doesn’t mean everyone gets to eat it. Someone put a sign on the yogurt saying as much, so someone else started putting empty yogurt cups back in the container and this maybe isn’t the best way of going about things.

This might be just me, but that felt rude. I think another thing some people were saying was sort of rude and passive aggressive is that someone bought toilet seat covers and has been leaving them on desks. I think this is a twofold problem. Someone, and I think they know who they are, has been peeing on the toilet seat. And then someone, and I think THEY know who they are, won’t just speak up and instead leaves toilet seat covers all over the place. I should also mention that this has not solved the problem of pee on the toilet seat and, if anything, I think even more people are peeing on the toilet seat out of spite. We can’t keep doing this.

I’m not sure if anyone will have anything else to add, but the way someone near me is whispering reminds me of another issue we’ve been having: post-it notes. We’re straight up out of post-it notes. I know what you’re thinking, “It’s because we work so hard!” But we all know we don’t need to use post-its when our company’s sole focus is flagging inappropriate photos of puppies on HotOrNot.com. I don’t know why we even had post-its in the first place. It seems like all they’re used for is leaving unsigned notes. I know most of us won’t admit to doing this, but if we look back at ourselves, some people are definitely leaving passive aggressive notes around the office saying things like:

* “PLEASE turn off the lights”
* “Some of us don’t like shivering at work”
* “Stop hovering when you pee, you’re getting pee all over the toilet seat.”

I’m not actually upset about that last one. It seems like it really needs to be said.

Anyway, if you have anything else of concern, please approach me in the hallway and whisper it to me harshly without making eye contact when the subject of your ire walks by.

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