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June 20, 2013
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Read the title.

Metagross is the best pokemon

On At The Buzzer, we debated which Pokemon was the best ever. It's not even a discussion. The answer has always been clear. 

Metagross doesn’t have the nobility, loyalty, beauty, suaveness, or charm of a Glaceon, but he makes up for it with sheer terror. You don’t mess with a Metagross.

Imagine you’re walking to school one day. The sun is shining, and the birds are chirping. You think it’s going to be a good day. Then, out of nowhere, a giant metal spider with psychic powers summons a meteor from the sky. That’s metagross.

I just forgot to capitalize Metagross. For that, there will be consequences.

Pray this never happens to you.

The Metagross process

The only thing that can stop a metagross is another metagross. They are the yin and yang of the pokemon world. You wanna be the very best, like no one ever was? Follow these simple steps.

1. Catch a metagross.

2. That’s impossible, you f***** dumbass. You don’t catch Metagross. Metagross catches you.

3. Catch a Dragonite, a Deoxys, and Mew. Then offer them as sacrifice at the altar of Metagross, and hope he deems your offering worthy.

4. Pray.

See, it’s easy.  Metagross didn’t create the get rich quick scheme. He IS the get rich quick scheme. He is Bernie Madoff, T-1000, and the asteroid from Armageddeon all rolled into one. That is the power of Metagross.

“Nice purse. My Metagross will kill you, and then kill your dog.”

Ivan Drago

There is a scene in Rocky IV where Ivan Drago is running up a treadmill. And as he is running full speed, which is faster than most people can ride their bikes to begin with, the treadmill starts inclining. Soon, it’s almost completely vertical. If you think this stops Drago from running full speed, like a wild pack of Russian hyenas are chasing him, then gtfo. Right now. This is the power of Metagross.

Metagrosses exist on a scale we can’t hope to imagine, as they wield a power so powerfully powerful that only Glaceon’s can hope to stop them. Because Glaceon’s are as real as the streets, and ice beam those sorry suckas. Ice beam, mother f****.

Metagrosses can shatter the minds of Chandelure’s with a single stroke. They eat Lugia’s for breakfast, and can outsleep any Snorlax. That’s the power of a metagross.

Metagross will impress your boss and have sex with your wife. That is the power of Metagross.

Ivan Drago works to become Metagross. And fails.

The court of Metagross

Metagross is the judge, jury, and executioner. Only, in the pokemon world, there is no room for due process. There is only “abide by the law, or Metagross will f****** kill you.” That is the selected profession of Metagross.

And when he explodes your mind, he would say “The verdict is….guilty.” But the human language is beneath Metagross. Metagross doesn’t speak. But when he does, he’s bilingual in “pain” and “misery.” That is the language of Metagross.

“Upon activating this card, your opponent’s heart will explode, and an army of Metagross will blot out the sun.”

Metagross: The Movie

Sylverster Stallone contacted Metagross to be the villain in The Expendables 2. Metagross politely declined. Metagross doesn’t join your ensemble. He is the ensemble. He’s the star, the villain, and the leading lady, as well as the director, the writer, and the cinematographer.

His movie, “F*** You, I’m Metagross,” will win every oscar, including best animated feature, best foreign film, and best adapted screenplay. Will the academy vote out of sheer talent, or fear of Metagross’ retribution? Who can say. That is the power of Metagross.

Metagross will Meteor Mash you in the d***.

We are all witnesses to Metagross.

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