This week’s tweets are looking forward to relaxing over the long weekend.
What I love about sleeping is that it's like dying but without all the commitment— Chimney Spotter (@chimneyspotter) August 30, 2016
Never ask what the hashtag is at a funeral.— John Milhiser (@JohnMilhiser) August 29, 2016
[Ouija Board]— REW (@therealeatwood) August 14, 2016
Me: Spirit, answer this one question—do you like me?
Board: R E A D 1 2 : 3 7 P M
If Facebook Was Real— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 29, 2016
me: cool shirt Brian
[hours later, a knock at my door]
me: um yes?
Brian's Mom: I also like that shirt
you're beautiful the way you are. you dont need to have money, or 3 podcasts, or 2 podcasts. just be you and i guess just have the 1 podcast— tara shoe (@tarashoe) September 1, 2016
I invented not taking credit.— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) August 26, 2016
You miss 100% of the shots you don't make. -Wayne Gretsky— Blake Anderson (@UncleBlazer) August 26, 2016
Ian: "He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast."— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) August 19, 2016
Cop: 'Did you see his plate?"
Ian: "Yeah. He was eating tacos."
Got my hands on the screenplay for Sully, wow pic.twitter.com/uctWRkCaIO— Ari Scott (@ariscott) August 20, 2016
Sorry I told your kid beehives were nature's honey piñatas.— Linnen (@ScottLinnen) August 24, 2016
ME: this ASMR video is great— Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) September 2, 2016
SON: I think i broke my leg
M: ok sweetie its almost over
S: pls help
M: let mama get her tingles
S: hi police?
friend: how are things?— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) August 25, 2016
me: things are good!
narrator: things were not good
I may disagree with what you are saying, but I will defend to the death my right to tell you I disagree with what you are saying.— Jesse Berney (@jesseberney) August 31, 2016
[aquaman origin story]— a gorilla a wixard (@trojansauce) August 31, 2016
*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh... no, im good, actually
yes, autocorrect, i'm definitely afraid to travel to florida because of zima— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) August 30, 2016
Sometimes, late at night, I'll look up at the stars and wonder if you're also stealing lawn furniture.— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) August 23, 2016
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) August 24, 2016
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Yes hi Mr. DeNiro I'm a second year acting student, can you milk me?— Chris Stephens (@ChrisStephensMD) August 27, 2016
i think about how Chuck E. Cheese's full first names are "Charles Entertainment" like twice a day— monica heisey (@monicaheisey) August 29, 2016
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 22, 2016
ME: Can you be sure it wasn't just the planet slowing down?
COP: I'm listening
I still remember that overwhelmingly wonderful feeling in my heart when she looked at me & said those three magical words:— Noah Kinsey (@thenoahkinsey) September 2, 2016
I hate Coldplay
i heard if you watch that larry the cable guy netflix show it shows up on your credit report— Jhorts (@JhonRules) August 31, 2016
In my defense, your baby shower invitation clearly said "no loud toys as gifts," but was silent about cursed artifacts— huntigula (@huntigula) August 31, 2016
just watched some sort of baby gym show & wow we gotta start calling this something else cause that ain't a gym or a workout nice try babies— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) August 30, 2016
CO-WORKER: give me $3 to eat this old grape?— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) August 31, 2016
WIKIPEDIA: give me $3 to continue to provide you essential knowledge?
ME: get fucked
Don't be the loser that just hovers by the snack table. Be the maniac that lives under it.— Jason Roeder (@jasonroeder) August 30, 2016
White people: "Black people should protest peacefully!"— Charlotte. (@charlotteirene8) August 31, 2016
*Black person sits quietly during national anthem*
White people: "No not like that."