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March 20, 2009


Ode to Divine Dreams and Crappy Carpentry
By Ivan O’Uris


I knocked on heaven’s door

And my fist went through it.

Jesus, all the f-----g money God’s got

And his ever after entrance is particle board!


Background Notes: Ivan O’Uris, a journalist, poet and chauffeur to celebrity chickens, wrote “Ode to Divine Dreams and Crappy Carpentry” after having two dreams. The first occurred one night upon falling asleep while hearing the song “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.” Ivan dreamed he was in heaven and there was a door in front of him with a sign reading, “Please knock before entering. God. P.S.: Almost forgot, please remove your shoes, too. Still God.” Ivan knocked and his fist went through the door, which then disintegrated. He left a note complaining about the cheap door. The next night, he envisioned God sending him a note of apology, saying, “Normally, my boy handles the hammer-and-nail stuff around here. But he was off wooing the ladies with his reviving-the-dead shtick, so I contracted it out. The contractor hired a subcontractor, who hired a sub-subcontractor, who hired a sub-sub-subcontractor, who hired a sub-sub-sub-subcontractor. To make a long story short, the pope ended up doing it. He’s so old, he can’t hold a hammer. Besides that, he can’t pick building materials to save his life. I’ll let you know when it’s fixed. Take care, God.” Written in early 2007, the poem was presumed lost until E.E. Pointer and Shawn Roney found it in Ivan’s apartment under his bathroom door. Surprisingly, the door wasn’t made of particle board.

Addendum (With Some Subtractiondum, Muliplicationdum and Globs of Migraine-Inducing Long Divisiondum): “Ode to Divine Dreams and Crappy Carpentry” was originally published (with alterations) Feb. 12, 2007, online at Lawrencian.com (now Larryville.com). To read the unaltered version, visit http://news.larryville.com/index.php/creative/45-ivan-ouris/236-ode-to-divine-dreams-and-crappy-carpentry.

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