Well, it looks like there’s been a huge outbreak of me, chlamydia, at a high school in Texas where the only form of sex ed taught is abstinence-only. And this just proves exactly what myself and any number of other sexually transmitted diseases have been saying for years:

Telling super horny teens that they shouldn’t have sex and then giving them absolutely no other information about sex is the only acceptable form of reproductive health education.

Look, it’s been proven time and time again — teaching abstinence is the only 100% effective, totally foolproof method of ensuring that the most teenagers possible contract raging cases of me. If we educate young people about condoms and birth control and those sorts of things, they’re just going to be empowered to take their sexual health into their own hands, and we can’t have that.

It’s all about establishing a baseline. Once you realize that nothing — and let me emphasize this: NOTHING — in Heaven or on Earth is going to stop teenagers from fucking each other like rabbits on ecstasy, then the decision is easy: Don’t teach them anything at all about sex.

I guarantee you’ll be surprised at how quickly teens pick up all kinds of misinformation. And also chlamydia.

Let them learn about it from internet porn and other dumb teenagers! If you just leave teens to their own devices, I guarantee you’ll be surprised at how quickly those little autodidacts pick up all kinds of misinformation. And also chlamydia.

Lots and lots and lots of chlamydia.

And I don’t want to put words into another STI’s vacuoles, but I can say with reasonable certainty that my old pal human papillomavirus fully supports this general philosophy on sex-ed, too — more specifically, certain policy makers’ belief that administering a vaccine that 100% prevents HPV and therefore certain cervical cancers will make teens more promiscuous.

Of course, we all know that teens are going to pork all over each other the same amount regardless of whether or not they’re swapping HPV, so let’s just make sure they keep getting those cancer warts, shall we?

And let’s not forget the next generation — by which I mean all the unplanned pregnancies teens are going to experience after being taught abstinence-only. We have to shore up those numbers, too, not only with incomplete sex education, but also with Draconian abortion laws that ensure these kids’ lives are ruined and that their kids receive the same abstinence-only sex ed, and we can keep this beautiful cycle just churning along, ad infinitum.

So let’s keep sex ed out of our schools and me in your teens.

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