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December 05, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

A majority of registered New Jersey voters say Gov. Chris Christie deserves a second term. Meanwhile, a majority of Subway punch cards say Gov. Chris Christie deserves a free sandwich.

On Tuesday, Iran claimed it had captured a U.S. drone. Or at the very least, a very boring tourist.

Earlier this week, President Obama went on Twitter to respond to questions. "can i grab ur ears like a steering wheel VROOM VROOM haha jk they r just funny looking" asked the pope.

Newark Mayor Cory Booker said he will live on food stamps this week. Due to the dietary restrictions, experts warn he may get lightheaded when saving people from burning houses.

A spider sent into space by NASA died shortly after returning to Earth. But that'll happen when police shoot you after you become 80 feet tall.

The New York Post is being criticized for placing on its cover a photo of a man moments before he was hit by a subway train. As its way of apologizing, the Post ran a photoshopped picture of A-Rod moments before being hit by a subway train.

Netflix gained exclusive rights to streaming Disney films. The deal will expire once all the petals fall off this rose.

NATO will station Patriot missiles in Turkey to protect the country from any spillover from Syria. Providing a stern warning to Syria: Keep the dead bodies on your side of the border or we will blow them up.

Creator of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau Elizabeth Warren has been appointed to the Senate Banking Committee. Which might be the best indicator of how poorly banks are doing.

A new poll shows a record majority of Americans in favor of legalizing marijuana. A surprising development from the country that created a sandwich where pieces of chicken acted as the bread.

The Mars rover Curiosity has found traces of complex chemicals. Likewise, it found this crude drawing.

Karl Rove's appearances on Fox News are now being limited by the network. Which works out for Rove since he's currently busy eating naked just, like, nonstop.