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Published September 28, 2009 More Info »
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Published September 28, 2009

I was discussing with a friend of mine today about an incident she had with a friend and her ex-boyfriend. The two had never met, but her friend, having observed conversation between her and her ex, decided to follow him into the bathroom and ask general questions about him. This reminded me of an awkward situation I had been in earlier in the week, in which I, standing at the urinal, junk in hand, was asked by a coworker if he could help me with anything today. I had been working on an earlier project for a company we sophomorically call “Golden Showers,” and he was referring, of course, to that. So as I was peeing, I was being asked if I needed any help with Golden Showers.

Now what happened to the days of male bathroom etiquette? I thought that, much like the instinct of breathing, blinking and chewing, there were certain rules and guidelines men followed while in public bathroom facilities. I’m not referring to the three toe taps under my stall at an airport bathroom or making eye contact through the hole in the wall. I’m talking about the do’s and don’ts of proper bathroom behavior.

The first rule of male bathroom etiquette is that the bathroom is like Las Vegas. What goes on in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom. If you are in a stall, and the gentleman next to you had Mexican for lunch because that’s where his client wanted to take him not knowing the burrito would trigger the man’s irritable bowel syndrome, and he is farting rather loudly, you do not say anything to him. Do not ask what he had for lunch, do not ask him to excuse himself, do not moan in agony as some of the poop particles fly into your mouth. More importantly, however, if you know who it is that has the irritable bowels, never, EVER say anything to him about it outside of the bathroom. It doesn’t matter if you followed him in and watched him go into the stall. It doesn’t matter if you see him leave the stall and wash his hands at the sink. It does matter, however, if you never see the man and can recognize him from looking at his shoes under stall. You are probably a homosexual, and in addition to not saying anything to the man about his loud farting in the bathroom, you should also apologize for causing the levees to break in New Orleans.

Going along with not talking outside of the bathroom, there also is not talking in the bathroom. If a conversation began outside of the bathroom, and it carried on to the bathroom, it may continue. A conversation may only be struck up once both participants have finished their business and at least one of them is at the sink washing their hands. Under no other circumstance should a man be talking to another man while either of them are holding their junk. You stare straight ahead, and maybe down at your junk. There should never be any reason to utter the following sentences at the urinal:

· “Need any help with anything?”

· “How’s it hanging?”

· “Any plans after work?”

· “Whoa, that’s nice!”

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Finally, placement in the men’s bathroom is equally important. In most men’s bathrooms, there are at least 3 urinals. Upon entering the bathroom, you should use the urinal farthest to the left. If there is already someone at that urinal, you skip the middle urinal and use the one on the far right. Now this may be shortened for children, and that’s ok. The middle urinal is for the homosexuals to look at your penis, and it is more socially acceptable to be considered a midget for using the short urinal at the far end than it is to be a homosexual for using the middle urinal. Midgets can at least get married and go to Heaven. If both urinals are taken and only the middle urinal remains, then you go into a stall and pee. It’s ok to sit down and pee like a girl or you can stand and pee on the seat. Both are equally acceptable. If, under the most extreme cases, both urinals are taken, all stalls are taken, and only the middle stall remains, then it is o.k. to pee in the sink. The sink is just a smaller version of your shower, and we all know you pee in your shower.

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